Post #15 Global Warming Grab Bag

Hello global warming enthusiasts! I would like to start this weeks post by offering my sincerest apologies for the month long hiatus in our global warming conversations. Most of our previous conversations were written during boring school days, as a means of keeping me awake during class. Now that summers here my time has been filled with work and other leisure activities, limiting the time I have to inform you on the latest warm the globe efforts. I've had calls and emails of concern from both sides of the global warming battle. I thank you guys for this.

This weeks post is sort of a grab bag of topics if you will. I've got a few random thoughts related to global warming on my mind, so I hope you're ready to bounce around like a beach ball at a Nickleback concert.

Global Warming Grab Bag

Recently, in a heated debate with one supporting the anti-global warming campaign, I was called a close-minded (explicit). I was told that my pro-global warming cause was totally one-sided, close-minded and indignant. Afterwords, I reflected on this feeble minded persons words.  This is what I came up with:

"Your cause is totally one sided." What a stupid comment. BOTH sides of the global warming cause are ONE SIDED. They're complete opposites. I've never heard an anti global warming activist say something along the lines of "Sorry guys, I can't come to the rally this week, I'll be clubbing baby seals in the arctic."  To say the anti-global warming cause isn't one-sided is ridiculous. They're extremists, just like us on the pro-side. The only difference is our cause is winning. And we're smart enough to see it.

"You're totally close-mined."  Are we? During our time together we've had a plethora of posts of the anti-recycling persuasion. And yet one week we also gave a couple examples of times it's OK to recycle ( i.e. when you can profit off these suckers). How's that for close-minded?

Item #2
We've had quite the wet spring, wouldn't you say? Flooding. Hundreds of houses washing away. Entire families.. no, wait.. NEIGHBORHOODS disappearing in the rain-rivers never to be seen again. It hasn't been very warm. How do the anti-warmers explain this? Simple. It's now being called global climate change. Whew! Crisis averted. Even the REALLY dumb ones were starting to notice all this global warming wasn't that warm at all. People were jumping off the bandwagon. And then... bippity-boppity-boo! Name change. Now everyone's back on board and crying green repentance in the streets.  "The globe isn't warming, the climate is changing. Yeah, that's why there's all this rain in June, climate change. It's uhh.. getting colder.. we thought it was warmer.. well, it was for a while, but now it's colder because of the climate change and... and... and... you should buy Al Gores magic light bulbs."

Item #3
Do you remember Earth Day? We treated Mother Earth like a queen and she thanked us with rain and snow for a week straight.  During that weeks post we broke down peoples ideas of the best way to celebrate Earth Day. Several people said we should celebrate by riding our bikes to work.  Stupid idea. Last week my car was in the shop getting some work done and I had no choice but to ride a bike to work. I wasn't excited for this at all. I live exactly THREE miles from my place of employment. Longest THREE mile ride ever. During my ride the bike chain came off twice, I got hit in the face by a bee and had several close calls with idiot Utah drivers. Moral of the story: Riding a bike to work is as stupid as wiping with both sides of the toilet paper. It's completely uncalled for.  If you have a bike- sell it- throw it away- blow it up- just get rid of it.  

Item #4
I heard the most mind blowing thing recently when talking to an anti-global warmer. The anti-warmer was ranting and raving about the need to save polar bears. Knowing that the polar bear nut was a fan of hot showers I posed this question: "What would you do if the only way to save the polar bears was to outlaw hot showers?"   I thought my question had them stumped.  I settled in and prepared myself for a long wait while they pondered the question at hand, but much to my surprise, without ANY hesitation they blurted out; "Polar bears can rot in hell. I'm going to enjoy my hot showers."

I guess the moral of this weeks post is this: The next time some anti-global warmer accuses you of being one-sided, close-minded or indignant, kindly remind them of the little saying 'three fingers point back to you.' Then give them one finger pointing up with the rest pointing down.

I'll do my best to keep you updated on the Warm the Globe efforts this summer. I might work off suggestions from you guys, so if you've got questions, thoughts, comments or ideas be sure to let me know and I'll cover it the best I can. Until then I wish you the best of luck as you take what we've learned and put it to practice. Remember: Permanent summer is the end goal here. Global warming is a good thing.

Post #14 Global Warming and Golf

Welcome back my little global warmers in training! Did anyone go out and buy a composting toilet this past week? Yeah? How's that working out for you? Your house smells now? A family of raccoons moved into your stench-ridden bathroom? Police responded to reports of a dead body stench drifting out of your yard? Child Services came and took your kids? They're now celebrating with their new family? They run around the house flushing toilets, hugging their new mom and dad and say they never wanna see you again? Well, I'm not surprised.  You had it coming.

Who's ready to laugh at the green hippies? I know I sure am. Who likes inside jokes when your on the outside? That's great! Because it's time for...

Global Warming and Golf
Spring! It's finally upon us. Sure, Mother Nature still finds it funny to throw the occasional storm at us, but we can handle that. We're the ones littering on her face. We've got the last laugh. There's nothing I love more in the spring and summertime than going outside and playing a round of golf. Believe it or not the green hippies are trying to take that away from us too. I'm sorry, but I'm not going to stand for that. They can moan all they want about recycling, using less water, going green and all that garbage BUT when they start telling me how to golf I have to draw a line.


A little background: I'm an avid golfer. No, I didn't say I'm good. I said avid. My grandpa introduced me to the sport when I was in my early teens and I fell in love with it. There's nothing more relaxing and refreshing (yet frustrating at the same time) than being out in the middle of the fairway, the warm sun shining down on you, the smell of freshly cut crass all around you, a slight breeze at your back and the sound of your golf ball slicing into the water hazard (followed by quiet curses under your breath). I love it! Just be sure your tee shot makes it past the womens tees or your next shot's going to be a little awkward (I'm talking to you Ben Mower). In high school a good friend and I bought season passes to a local golf course. We'd play 18 holes every Monday when we were supposed to be in school. It was awesome. The travel time to and fro + 18 holes + a lunch break in between was EXACTLY the same length as a full day at school. I'm not even sure if my parents knew about this (they probably do now that they're reading this).

Now these green hippies are trying to boss us around on the course. Here's what they're saying:

Unless you're disabled, you should walk your golf rounds this season, and cut back on global-warming contributions from golf cart usage"...I'm sorry, but I LOVE using a golf cart. Remember, I'm the guy that will watch whatever boring show's on TV when the remote falls on the floor, just out of arms reach. Laziness is a disability, right? You think I'm going to walk 18 holes of golf without a caddy? Do you know how heavy those bags get? I get tired just holding a gallon of milk at the Walmart express check out. Probably because the obese, white trash woman in front of me is arguing for 20 minutes about not being able to use beef jerky coupons with her food stamps (Collin Maki knows what I'm talking about).  I'd rather eat my 9 iron than walk a golf course when I didn't have to. Also, since when has small 2-stroke engines been a great concern to global warming activists? I mean, we're not cruising the course on one of these bad boys:

Urge your golf course to replace its carts with electric-powered ones, which greatly reduce both air pollution and noise pollution.".... If electric carts are cheaper they might listen to me. Otherwise they don't want to hear my opinion about anything unless I'm going to buy a 12 pack of overpriced Titleist golf balls in the pro shop afterwords.  And noise pollution? I wasn't aware that noise pollution is contributing to global warming. That shatters my universe. In that case we'd better pull the plug on all country music radio stations. That's pure inbred-victim-music-noise-pollution at its best.

"Buy recyclable products (biodegradable golf tees, golf balls made of rawhide instead of plastic).".... Rawhide golf balls?  I might as well be teeing off with a rawhide basketball. It would probably perform the same. I'm guessing rawhide golf balls are like ALL other hippie items; overpriced and pointless. I'll stick to my plastic earth destroying golf balls for now.
 
You can tell they started running out of golf suggestions because the next part looks like it was copied and pasted strait from the golf course rule book: "Replace all divots."...."Carry your trash with you until a waste container is available."....Adhere to local rules that may restrict access to environmentally sensitive areas on a golf course."...."Support golf course management decisions that protect or enhance the environment."   That's not going green you idiots. That's just proper golf course etiquette.

I close with this message to all you greenies out there: I'm going to go golfing often this summer. I'm going to drive a cart. I'm going to drink Mountain Dew and throw the cans away. You can dig them out and recycle them if you want. I'm going to use plastic golf balls and A BUNCH of them at that. I'm going to buy the cheapest tee's I can. I don't care if they're not biodegradable. I'm going to enjoy my overpriced club house burger between rounds. I don't care how miserable the cow was up to the point of being killed and placed on my  bun.  It's nowhere near as miserable as that front 9 holes. Here's to a better back 9.  Yes, I'm going to do all of these things and I'm going to LOVE every freaking second of it. Leave us golfers alone. If you want someone to harp on why don't you go after everyone boating this summer. That's gotta worse than a round of golf (In fact, maybe we'll discuss that once boating season arrives).


I leave you with this warning: If I see you on the course protesting my noise polluting golf cart I wont hesitate to tee off in your direction. And no, I won't be warning you with the gentlemanly "FORE!". You don't deserve it, for you sir are not a gentlemen.

Post #13 Global Warming and Poop Where you Eat

Re·trac·tion: n. The act of recanting or disavowing a previously held statement or belief.
Last week I began the Earth Day bashing by stating that Almond butter was disgusting even though I hadn't tried it. A disgruntled reader called me out on this and made me a honey/almond butter/banana sandwich. After I was certain it hadn't been poisoned or tampered with I gave it a try. I come before you today to let you know that it wasn't that bad. I would probably eat one again. My apologies to any sensitive almond butter gang members out there who were offended by my sharp words.

Has everyone recovered from their Earth Day hangover last weekend? What a party, right? I drank so much water, turned out so many lights and recycled so much garbage that  I woke up Saturday morning feeling like I'd been hit by a train. Although, I don't think Mother Earth was too happy with the gifts we gave her. She let us know this week with daily rain and snow storms. I think we should just get her a gift card next year. Ya know, play it safe. As I mentioned last week, today we're going to talk about composting toilets. "What on Earth is a composting toilet Brandon?!"  Oh, you don't know?? That's OK. I didn't know either until I Googled the term. Are you ready to gain some knowledge? Because it's time for...

Global Warming and Poop Where you Eat.
In last weeks Earth Day breakdown somebody suggested we celebrate Earth Day by (and I quote) "Go composting toilets and vegan/vegetarianism for the earth!"  If they really wanted to make sense they would have said; "Buy a composting toilet, and go vegan/vegetarian for the Earth."   But whatever. We're not here to point out their grammatical errors (that was last weeks post).  

I had to read the phrase 'composting toilet' two or three times.  These words seemed so strange and foreign. They didn't ring any bells. No image came to mind. Just a big question mark. So I hopped on the Internet and typed the elusive words C-O-M-P-O-S-T-I-N-G... T-O-I-L-E-T. Here's what I found:

A composting toilet is basically a processing system that treats your waste with no water, by composting or managed decomposition.

In other words: You poop in something the size of a washing machine:

Set it to spin cycle and a few months later... Voila!


You've got your own PERSONALIZED compost!

Sounds great, right? Who am I kidding?! This is HORRIBLE! There's NOTHING good/humane about this! NOTHING! Here's the problem I have with the in-house stank-tank:

For starters: This bad boy costs upwards of $1,719! Compare that to $236 for a normal toilet. Secondly, can you imagine the smell?! Sure, they say it masks odors. What a load of crap! (pun count: 1) Example: Most cat-litter companies say their product eliminates odors, well guess what? it doesn't. It merely takes the cat waste smell and replaces it with a moldy smell.  It masks the smell with an equally rotten smell.

Have you ever eaten at Taco Bell and found yourself in the loo the SECOND you get home? Of course you have. There's no better way of forgetting that dollar-menu-meal-of-regret than by flushing it down to the fiery depths of Hell below. But hold on a second, with this toilet there's no flushing! You're gonna get foul reminder EVERY time you enter the bathroom. "I'll just  use the toilet with the lights off."  Good idea. You might want to invest in some nose plugs too.  And if you're kind, some for all your neighbors.

So you're saving water by installing a composting toilet, thus reducing your carbon footprint, eh? Well, try this on for size: These toilets can only compost at 104-140 °F (40-60 °C). So they've got a heater built into them.  That's right, the stank-tank you're sitting on is also a crap Crock-Pot. It's using massive amounts of electricity to heat your meatloaf (pun count: 2). What if the system overheats?! Don't worry, they've got a built in fan to cool the built in heater. Oh yeah, the fan also uses a ton of electricity. Your carbon footprint just turned into an expensive carbon jumping jack my friend.

I'm convinced that  composting toilets are nothing more than an elaborate prank started years ago. People fell for the gag and started buying them up like hot cakes (or cow pies (pun count: 3)). So they keep selling them to this day. The inventor is at home swimming in his pool of money as we speak. Oh, and guess what? He uses a normal-water-wasting-flush-toilet.

There's no need to live like this. None whatsoever. Life stinks bad enough as it is folks (pun count: 4). Don't make it harder/smellier/more expensive than it has to be.  If you're planning on buying a stank-tank do me a favor: Before you flush thousands of dollars away (pun count: 5), please try this; Relieve yourself in a pan for a few days, break out your old chemistry set and put the pot on a hot plate (medium-high). If you can make it a week living with smells like that marinating in your bathroom you're a stronger human than I (and by 'stronger human' I mean you're not human at all).  If it's a sight and smell you think you're ready to live with go ahead and buy the stank-tank. Just don't expect me to come visit. It's embarrassing enough using someone else's toilet, I don't need you going in the bathroom after I leave analyzing what I ordered at Taco Bell.

Post #12 Global Warming and Earth Day!

Welcome back my little global warmers! Say, you're not wearing that thick winter coat! Spring is right around the corner. Can you feel it?! Me too. Today's post just so happens to fall on a VERY special day. For today, Friday April 22 2011 is none other than EARTH DAY!! A very special thanks to long time reader Maren for bringing this to my attention and suggesting an Earth Day topic. This has probably been my favorite column to write thus far. Let's get to it, shall we?

Global Warming and Earth Day!
Shhh!! Turn out the lights! Everyone be quiet! Here comes Mother Earth... Does everyone have their party hats on? Good. Here we go..3...2...1... HAPPY EARTH DAAAYYY!!  Earth Day: The lamest unpaid holiday out there. For 364 days a year people trash the environment, then Earth Day comes around and everyone's holding hands singing Kumbaya in the streets.  They'll plant a couple trees, recycle old newspapers, pat a puppy on the head and go to bed that night feeling good about themselves. Then it's back to clubbing baby seals the next day. I'm glad that's not us here on the pro-global warming side. We do the same (Earth trashing) thing all day-everyday. Earth Day or not.

We're going to celebrate Earth Day in style this year. And by 'celebrate' I mean poke the Earth Day posers with our sharp global warming stick. I found a website dedicated to the annual holiday, in which people share their ideas for celebrating Earth Day. Apart from the overabundance of spelling errors, these suggestions were so outrageous they had me rolling on the ground. I'm surprised that these green hippies dared use a computer with which to type their advice. I mean, computers aren't organic. Are they?

Some of these Earthy people who urge others to go green are dedicated to the cause year round, others only on Earth Day but ALL of their ideas are idiotic. Lets take a look at a few comments together along with my breakdown:

"Earth Day and Veganism go together like organic raw, almond butter and jelly!"  Gross. So you're saying they don't go together AT ALL.

"Happy Earth Day! Have you been thinking of taking the big plunge to go green? Many stars have used their voices to get the message out on eco-friendly ways of living that will improve the environment."   Many of these said stars are also using crack cocaine on an hourly basis. I suppose we should take that plunge too? Posers. Green posers.

"Want to live under a canopy of large trees! damn rights I'm a tree hugger! and hey you countries out there, stop (explicit)-ing with the ocean water it belongs to everyone..and that's you BP and others!"   Sorry to break it to you Wendy the foul mouth floozy but nobody wants to live in the trees. Oh yeah, and BP isn't a country.

"We do not lives in one states, we lives in one world. border of the country doesn't limit one person to preserved the beauty of the world. Happy earth's day people!"   Stops withs the unnecessarys  S's alreadys!!! If you're going to instruct mankind on taking care of the Earth at least consider running your inspired remarks through spell check.

"Let's turn the lights off for an hour on earth day."  What a great idea! I can't think of a better place to start with than the hospitals. Let's unplug all the machinery while we're at it. If we're gonna be Earthy today we might as well be 100% Earthy.

"EARTH DAY EVERY DAY. When I die the earth shall inherit my body. My body will decay to soil. From my body, plants shall grow and enrich the soil, paving the way for a tree. From that tree will come air. This will take hundreds of years, I will be your ancestor and shall be with you from the day of your first breath until your last breath. Eventually, I shall rise to be with the clouds and shower the earth with life giving water. This cycle will continue. What we do to the earth, air and water, we do to ourselves and our future. How do you want your cycle to go?"  Touching. Although a tree can't literally be my ancestor. Also, it gets a little confusing when the tree somehow turns into a cloud and then from a cloud to water but most hippies probably wouldn't pick up on this. Overall grade ---> C+.

"With Earth day on Good Friday, hoping we do a perfect blend of Christian reflection, thankfulness and gesture for the Earth! Have a good one!"   PS- If you've got time, do some thankful gesture for your fellow man too. But only if you have the time. If you don't have the time just focus on Earth.

"Do not throw or change your household articles for the sake of changing...do it when u need it."  OK, I was curious so I went to this persons Facebook profile. They only have 58 friends. And writing vague, confusing ideas like this isn't going to push them into the triple digit friend column anytime soon.

"If all 6.5 Billion of our neighbors would pick up just 2 pieces of trash on Friday...we would clealy make a difference on this big blue marble we call home."  A- 'Clealy' isn't even a real word. B- We don't live on a big blue marble. Maybe this guy does. And maybe the big blue marble he calls home is named Clealy.

"Forget hugging a tree, love a tree." <---- #1 way to get arrested on Earth Day.

"I'm planning a group walk and guided meditation for approximately 30 college students & young adults in my area for Earth Day! :) Very excited! Love & Light to All!"   Not really sure how meditation helps out on Earth Day but at least there will be 30-less idiots on the road during my morning commute.

"Let's keep our Earth to ourselves and our next generation... keep it green."   Keep our Earth to ourselves? Brilliant. Simply brilliant. All previous/ following generations can go drown themselves with the polar bears. This Earth belongs to our next generation.  We're keeping it to ourselves.

"Use postal envelopes back side as rough pads, take bath in bucket with a mug. Recycle should be in lifestle."  Rough pads? Not quite sure what that is. But it can't be any more stupid than bathing in a bucket with a mug.  The Cold War is over, isn't it? Yeah it's over. Nobody needs to bath in a bucket with a mug anymore, buddy.

"Go composting toilets and vegan/vegetarianism for the earth!" Save your crap in a big smelly tank located in your garage. It's what earth would want. (I had to Google composting toilets and they're RIDICULOUS. Spoiler: There's a good chance next weeks topic will be dedicated to composting toilets.)

"I'd like to suggest we all dress in green to show our support and in a local context to show solidarity against fracking in the Karoo, SA."  Give me a 'fraking' break. How is color coordinating our wardrobes going to help the Earth again?? "Ronnie wore blue guys. Yeah, Ronnie wore blue. Way to RUIN Earth Day, Ronnie."

"A little creativity and some discarded computer components that never made it to the landfill can create some high end art, recycle to rebirth." OK, $10 says this guys house has been on the TV show Hoarders at least twice and all his neighbors hate him. Newsflash: They might be vintage cars in need of a little elbow grease and TLC to you buddy, but to the rest of the neighborhood they're rusted clunkers bringing down our property value. Get rid of em.

On every Earth Day, I wonder, "What's the purpose of a lawn?"  For starters; grass is a GREAT way to keep the underlying dirt from blowing around in a wind storm. It's more appealing to the eye and feels great on bare feet. A lawn is a GREAT place to have people over and socialize. You'll never hear someone say; "Hey, do you guys wanna come have a BBQ on my dirt?"   No Ronnie, we don't. Especially after you ruined Earth Day by wearing blue. Go grow a lawn and stop bringing down my property value. 

"Earth is our mother, she feeded and nurshed us since millions of decades..We shall protect it by protecting ourselves."  Yes we shall protecting it/her/mother earth that feeded and nurshed us since millions of decades. Is there a Babblefish translation for someone who literally sounds like a babbling fish?

How can we celebrate earth day and observe Good Friday on the same day? ---> Have a block BBQ!

After I finished reading these Earth Day advice tips brought to us by a class full of grammatically challenged 2nd graders I left some wisdom of my own:

"The best way to reduce your carbon footprint? ----> Kill yourself. And what better day to do so than Earth Day?"

I could seriously go on ALL DAY tearing these folks apart, but we've got an environment to destroy so we'd best wrap this up. In all reality, I'm glad these guys are dedicated to saving the Earth at least one day a year. I mean, their comments are the reason we have this weeks post. I'm fine with them trying to save the Earth for 24 hours. Because, hey, look at the scoreboard. Like it or not, this battle is being won by us on the pro-global warming side.

In closing, if any of you out there are looking for a way to get involved with Earth Day I'd like to invite you to my coal fired tire burning, used motor oil pouring, baby seal clubbing, polar bear roasting, Amazon deforesting, mountain top removing party.  And after the party you're welcome to spend the night at my place. Saturday morning we can wake up early and go fishing for humpback whales with sea turtle bait.

Want to read some ridiculous comments for yourself? Here's the golden website:
http://www.earthday.org/earth-day-2011
Enjoy! Feel free to copy, paste and comment on your favorite Earth Day fail from this site! I'd love to hear your thoughts

Post #11 Global Warming and Beach Front Property

Welcome fellow pro-global warming activists. We're making history today. For the first time ever we've got a special guest writer to share some insight on today's topic. But before we delve into today's post I'd like to take a moment to introduce our guest. Jordan has been a dear friend of mine for ages. It was his weekly column 'Friendly Non-Threatening Driving Advice' that inspired these global warming discussions. (You can listen to his columns podcast here if you're not friends with him: http://feed.podcastmachine.com/podcasts/8443/mp3.rss) He's going to share his thoughts with us a little later on how global warming leads to melting ice caps, which means pretty soon we'll be living on the beach here in Utah. So without further ado...

Global Warming and Beach Front Property
Before I hand the floor to Jordan I'd like to give some background that led to this topic. I have this friend who's yet to hop on the pro-global warming bandwagon. I've been working on her for a while but she won't budge and it's all because of one stupid thing: Polar bears. That's right, she's worried about the polar bears. "But what about the polar bears Brandon? They can't survive the global warming with all the ice caps melting." To that I make this point: I went to Sea Word a couple summers ago with my family and saw all sorts of creatures. I remember seeing polar bears and guess what? They were LOVING it there. That's right, polar bears living in sunny southern California, out in the heat, surrounded by palm trees and they were in absolute heaven. The polar bears aren't dying because the they can't swim from one melting ice cap to another, they're swimming out into the ocean to commit suicide. "But Brandon, why would a polar bear want to kill them self?" Simple. They spend their entire life living on ice WITHOUT a pair of shoes. You'd want to die too if you had to live barefoot on an iceberg. I'm sure it doesn't help knowing that some of their brothers and sisters are living the high life in So Cal sipping on margaritas. So a few polar bears are dying? Lots of animals die everyday. It's part of life. Let's be honest here, the zoo is the only place you're going to see a polar bear during your lifetime unless you're lost in Alaska. And if you do run into one in Alaska you're going to wish you had heeded my global warming advice because that bear's about to kill you.

Next point: The ice caps are melting. OK, we've already debunked the idea that the melting ice caps are killing the polar bears. So what's the real problem here? (long pause to ponder) You can't think of one either can you? That's OK. Don't strain yourself hunting for something that doesn't exist. Nothing but good can come from melting ice caps. This is where we're going to let Jordan take it away...

Are you thirsty? Me too! Are you sick of everyone screaming about the drought?! Shut that shower off! Don't water that lawn! Don't feed that baby seal any water!!! Let it die! We are in a drought, or didn't you know?!?! Well I am hella sick of hearing it too. This year we have had so much water that we are worried about flooding. But the first thing the news will tell you is not to get comfortable with all the water, we ARE STILL in the DROUGHT!. Well, did you know that 49% of earth's water is locked up in the polar ice caps? That's almost half of the water in the oceans. It's true! Its on the internet! Well, what are you waiting for? Get that water out of the ice caps! What are you gonna do? Go up there with a chisel and a cup and start hacking away? No, we need to heed Brando's word and put into practice the knowledge he has to offer.

Here's a a curve ball up side your dome. I bought a nice little house in 2008. It's in Hooper, a quaint little town that has great people and smells like cow turds. I like it a lot. We love our house. And if you don't mind me getting a little pompous, I would say that it has held its value relatively well throughout all this crap that the Chinese have brought upon us. You know what I would trade in that familiar cow poop smell and ingrained cuteness for? Hooper being a beach front property. Just imagine it!!! All the cow poop under water. Beach babes walking down the beach in something that could certainly not be classified as actual clothing. Partying........... rockin' summers, body shots.................crusin the beach. Just say it with me. Beach front property. Wow! Sounds good no? Do you know what beach front property really means in Utah? It means you have cabin in Bear Lake if your lucky, at Willard Bay if your not. Crappy sand full of sharp rocks and .......and...................errrrrrrr....Seagulls. I hate them!!!!! I hate them!!!!!! Baaaacauwwwgggghhhh Screeeee Screeeee BAAAAACAUWWWWWGGGGHHH.

Hell, the Polar Bears would come to us and be partying with us if we had beach front property!!!

I think my current home, built in 2008, would be worth a cool 2.5 Million. Now that is why we should be reading Brando's blog. He is gonna make us rich and happy. Nice job Brando.

(Everybody tune in next week April 21st for the premiere of FNTTA. Friendly Non-Threatening Travel Advice. I'll be in Moab this Thursday doing research for next weeks premiere. Thanks for the support and a huge thanks to Brando. The number one supporter of what we are trying to do at Friendly Non-Threatening Advice.) Thanks Brando!

Post #10 Making Money off Global Warming

Welcome one and all to the 10th week of our global warming discussions! We've had some great discussions thus far and I'm looking forward to many more. We'll continue until the globes warm enough for us to enjoy summer year round.  We've got a great topic today that I'm really excited about.  We're going to be looking at ways we can benefit financially from all those poor suckers who have drunken the global warming Kool-Aid. So without further ado...

Making Money off Global Warming
Did you know some of the fastest growing businesses right now are those feeding off the fears of global warming advocates?

Now I know we're all pro global warming here. We've spent many weeks talking about the downside of recycling and reducing our carbon footprint. But that doesn't mean we can't pretend going green is a good thing if we can make an easy buck (or pound) off it.  As you've seen, there's a plethora of people out there who will do whatever it takes to preserve the globe, even if that means putting wads of money in your pocket. So lets look at a few things you can do to cash in on these global greenies.

1- Recycling: I know we've dedicated two posts to the anti-recycling campaign but remember this: the worst part of recycling is the fact that it's time consuming without offering anything in return. However, there are a few exceptions.  Take for instance soda cans. They can be recycled for an immediate monetary gain. Cash in hand (no taxes!).  Now I know it's a burden to collect cans and store them until you've got enough to make some money so here's a tip or two to speed up the process.

1- Try putting some weights in the bottom of the cans before you crush them. Once they're crushed the weights will be hidden.  You can almost double the worth of each can by hiding weight here and there!

2- Trade your old things for cans the homeless have collected: Sounds mean, right? Wrong. It's only mean if you're stealing cans from the homeless while they're taking a nap in the park. There's nothing wrong with giving your old junk to the homeless in exchange for their cans. "But Brandon, all I have to trade is an old blender." Who cares? It's not your problem that the blender doesn't work without electricity. If you can sell it as a 'must have item for every hobo' then good for you. Remember: beggars can't be choosers. They'll take almost anything.

3- Put a trash can outside your place with a fancy sign that reads 'recycling center'. This sounds stupid but IT WORKS! There's a house in Ogden that has several trash bins in front with a recycling sign featuring a soda can and a Utah Jazz logo. It has nothing to do with anything but it looks legit, so people don't question it and drop their cans off there. The home owners give the impression that they're doing the community a service by saving them a trip into town to do their recycling but really they're sitting in their house, swimming in a pit full of money, laughing at the stupidity of their fellow man. There cans are always full and they don't have to lift a finger.

2- Make your own 'organic compost' and sell it: Paying money for excrement has never been cooler than it is right now. How many of you out there are animal owners? I remember having to shovel animal poop out of the back yard growing up. Why not put it in a pile (preferably closer to the neighbors house than yours because it stinks) and sell it as organic compost? Throw in your leftovers from dinner and mix it together!  Out doing yard work and can't make it in to use the bathroom? Go on the pile! People will literally buy your waste. You can sell it however you want: Hand full, shovel full, truck full or whatever measurement your little heart desires. Be sure to market it as a 'local' product and people will be lining up around the corner to get their hands on some.

3- Recycle Pennies: Now this one isn't exactly legal.. OK, It's not legal at all.  A penny is worth more melted down and resold as copper than it is as an actual penny. I'm not condoning this activity, but if times are tough you do what you gotta do.

4- Take your old junk (that the hobo's didn't want) to a thrift store: Donations of old goods may be tax deductible, saving your money even if they don't make a direct profit. We're blessed here in Utah to have a Deseret Industries in practically every city. If you can't flog it to the homeless take it to the DI and use it as a tax write off.

Now I hope you're not under the impression that I'm slowly being pulled to the green team. That's simply not the case. We're only doing these things to make some easy money off the green-minded. But with all these things there is a chance we'll be doing more harm than good in bringing eternal summer to your neighborhood, so I offer this outlandish suggestion:  If you're going to recycle things for money you need to even the scales. Stop using garbage cans and throw your trash out on the side of the road while you drive. Do this everywhere (except for the mountains). Do it Downtown, in the country, in front of your neighbors house. Litter. Litter a lot. That should compensate for the good you've done recycling. "But Brandon, trash looks gross on the side of the freeway."  Yeah, it might not be the most pleasant thing to look at but you should be focused on driving not on the cleanliness of your surroundings. Besides, it won't be there for long. Most sheriffs departments in Utah make juvenile delinquents in orange jumpsuits clean it up. So look at it this way: you're warming the globe AND helping rehabilitate the leaders of tomorrow!

Thanks for reading you guys. Feel free to drop a comment or suggestion you might have to help warm the globe. I love hearing from you! Until next week- Do your part to warm the globe. We're almost there. I can feel it.

Post #9 Global Warming and Recycling (Part 2)

Welcome back everyone! I had an interesting conversation with a dear friend of the Warm the Globe movement this week. Collin Maki is one of the most devote followers and advocates for global warming you'll find. During the course of our conversation it was brought it to my attention that our segment on recycling (post #2) might need a little closer in-depth breakdown. Todays note features a bunch of interesting photographs you wont want to miss! So, without further ado...

Global Warming and Recycling (Part 2)
Shocking reminder: The average person spends THREE years of their life sorting through garbage trying to decide what they can recycle!

As mentioned in our last recycling conversation, the whole process requires a lot of effort while giving nothing in return. Glass and other non-recyclable plastics aren't picked up at the curb. That means you have to store them somewhere in your house and take them to your local drop off point. It's also WAY too complicated. I told you how in my neighborhood you can recycle a cereal box but not a pizza box, a newspaper but not a napkin, a cell phone but not a plastic bag etc.

Collin gave me to a catalog (made from 100% recycled material of course) mailed to him by a company who makes recycle bins, benches and other things from 100% recycled plastic products. Out of interest I logged on to their website to see how much their products cost. My findings were incredible. Because recycling wastes lots of time, money and energy, it costs quite a bit to take a million empty milk jugs and turn them into a park bench. The cost of their products must be so astronomically high because they didn't offer any prices. Instead they listed how many milk jugs it cost to build the particular item.  Lets take a look:

Nice, eh? And it's only going to cost you 840 gallons of milk for one. What's a gallon of milk going for these days you ask? about $3.08. You do the math. That 100% recycled bin is going to cost you $2,587 folks! Woah Betty!

Or you could get a metal garbage can like this for $116.

 It doesn't take an idiot to see the savings here. Well, never mind. I guess it does because people are buying them!

The MOST annoying part of recycling is probably the time wasted separating it all. (i.e. plastics from paper, compost, aluminum etc.). Take a look at this ridiculous picture:

 Got some garbage you've gotta get rid of on the go? Good luck. You're going to sit here for ten minutes trying to place your trash with a particular shape. It reminds me of this old childhood game:

I don't have time for games. I just need to throw my trash away and get on with my day.Who in their right mind would pay 1224 gallons ($3,769.00) to have this recycle game installed at their workplace?

One of the shockers with recycling is that it caters to the tall. Do you want to recycle but you're only 5'7''? Good luck reaching the top of this recycling bin:

I hope you've got a friends who's at least 6'6'' so they can recycle your crappy Creed CD's for you. Maybe if you jump you can recycle your old ink jet cartridges on your own.  Or you could throw them away and not have to worry about your vertical leap. Also, who's going through cell phones so fast that they deem it necessary to install a recycling bin for them??

When you were growing up how many of you used to shoot your trash in the garbage can like a basketball? I think we've all done the play-by-play under our breath. "Three seconds on the clock, Stockton dribbles to the top of the 3-point line, two seconds, Stockton fakes left, goes right, ONE SECOND LEFT! HE SHOOTS! HE SCORES!!" Good luck doing that with this basketball-hating recycling bin:

It's kind of hard to score with a lid on the hoop. Good job recycle guys. You just destroyed the imagination of hundreds of young kids.

Are you guys starting to get the drift here? Recycling is a pain. Life is fast paced and hectic. You don't have time to run around sorting out garbage. This picture illustrates the pains of recycling perfectly:

My method is SOO much easier! You'll save three years of your precious life if you'd do these three simple steps:

Go my friends. Throw your garbage away. Out of sight out of mind. Remember: If recycling was really that important landfills would pay hobo's to sort through the piles for us. I mean, they already smell like a landfill. Everybody wins here.