Who's bags are packed ready for the summer camping to begin? Before you pile in the car and head up the canyon lets talk about a few things that might make your next camp out one of the greatest while at the same time warming the globe so that we might enjoy camping year round! As I mentioned last week camping holds a special place in my heart. Nothing angered me more than reading the green pride column calling for a ban on campfires for their damning effects on the environment. So without further ado...
Sticking it to Global Warming by Camping
Alright, the first thing you wanna do before you leave for a camping trip load all your gear in the car. There's many things you'll want to take with you that the global warming activists wouldn't recommend. We mentioned a few last week; flashlights, tents, folding chairs, bug repellent etc. Basically all your common sense items.
So the cars loaded and you're ready to go. Now what? Let's say this is a rebellious camping trip and we plan on having a fire. We're going to need some wood. Now I took my little Asian friend Collin into the woods last fall and we gathered enough firewood to last many camping trips, but for the sake of argument we'll say we don't have any stockpiled up. I'm against buying it from grocery stores (paying for things you can get for free just seems wrong i.e. plastic grocery bags). You'll need a truck for this but it works great. Head over to your local Lowes Home Improvement Center. Stop! Don't park and go inside silly. What did I just say? We're NOT buying wood. Pull around to the back of the store. There's usually a large pile of scrap wood/ broken pallets back there. Now I don't know if it's 100% legal to take this wood but nobody's ever said anything to me about it. I've only been given weird looks from employees while loading it in the truck but never any threats of legal action.
OK, we've got the wood. What's next? I'm assuming we're going to want food on this trip unless you plan on eating whatever wildlife you kill but that's not really my style of camping. (Note: I did kill a squirrel once with the intention of eating it but once I picked it up and saw how gross/diseased it looked I couldn't do it. RIP Hank the squirrel.) You can never go wrong with a hobo dinner. For this you'll need all sorts of things that will make the green hippies sick to their stomach. Start with the cheapest tinfoil you can find, get small bags of potatoes, carrots and beef all packaged for one-time use. Grab the biggest box of plastic utensils while you're at it. We're not going to the woods to wash dishes. Look at all that wasted plastic! Take that you green hippies!
Next up: Drinks. I suggest buying a case of bottled water and whatever other beverage your group prefers. For us it's a 24 pack of Mountain Dew. Something to keep us awake around the fire all night. Hippies don't like bottled water because it wastes plastic but lucky for us, we're not friends with any hippies.
Now unless you've got a stream in your camp you can dam up to keep your drinks cool you're going to need some sort of cooler. You could drop $60 on some gigantic tank-like Coleman cooler but what's the fun in that? They take up too much room. I suggest you buy on of those Styrofoam coolers for like $4 bucks. "But Brandon, those coolers aren't biodegradable!" Exactly, you green hippies. They're not. We'll talk about the proper way to dispose of them in a little bit. Let's not get ahead of ourselves.
We've finally arrived at the camp spot. Seven of us came in five different cars because we plan on leaving at different times but that's OK. We don't care about pollution from cars, remember? First things first: Set up your tent before the sun goes down. That's a pain to do in the dark. Secondly, unload your gear. Now it's time for the fun part: Starting the fire. Sure, we all learned how to start the ol' wood tepee fire but let's be honest. That takes too long. If our ancestors had gasoline and a lighter they'd use it! Stand back, this might be quite big at first.
The fires roaring now. You've gotta wait for some coals before we can start cooking our hobo dinners. What should we do in the meantime? I suggest having a wander around the woods. (Be sure someone stays back to watch the fire though. Just because we don't care about global warming doesn't mean we want to burn the mountains down.) Now most green hippies will tell you to stay on designated trail when in the woods. They're afraid you'll destroy the natural vegetation and the soil. Now's a good time to give them the mental middle finger and wander wherever your little heart desires. Some of the coolest spots I've found in the woods has been off trails. If a herd of Elk tromping through the woods doesn't destroy anything I highly doubt I will. I mean, I'm not wielding a machete.
OK lets fast forward now. You're back at camp, you've finished dinner and a few of the troops that have to leave early have gone to bed. You don't want to attract wildlife with your left over food and garbage so what should we do? Burn it. That's right, burn it. EVERY green hippie you'll meet will BEG you not to burn it. Don't listen to them. But it all. The water bottles, the plastic utensils, paper plates, condiment bottles even the Styrofoam cooler. There's no need to haul a ton of trash back into civilization with us if we can magically make it disappear right now. Even your Mountain Dew cans will melt in the fire if the coals are hot enough. Burn it. Burn it all.
In the morning it's time to pack our things and head back to the real world. But man, wasn't that fun?! There's one more important thing: We're anti-global warming not anti-woods. Be sure to leave the camp spot better than you found it. Pick out any garbage that might not have been destroyed in the fire (i.e. tinfoil). There might be some nails from the pallets in there too. Those are a breeze to pick up with the help of a magnet. I use one out of a large speaker. It may seem simple but these are some of the best camping trips out there. Good times with great friends, no harm done to the woods and plenty of harm done to the global warming greeneis. Perfect.
*Readers note: Burning couches is not recommended while camping. I was banned from a local canyon by the fire department a couple summers ago for burning a couch. I've since learned from my mistakes. If you're going to burn a couch do it on private property, not in the woods.
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