Who's bags are packed ready for the summer camping to begin? Before you pile in the car and head up the canyon lets talk about a few things that might make your next camp out one of the greatest while at the same time warming the globe so that we might enjoy camping year round! As I mentioned last week camping holds a special place in my heart. Nothing angered me more than reading the green pride column calling for a ban on campfires for their damning effects on the environment. So without further ado...
Sticking it to Global Warming by Camping
Alright, the first thing you wanna do before you leave for a camping trip load all your gear in the car. There's many things you'll want to take with you that the global warming activists wouldn't recommend. We mentioned a few last week; flashlights, tents, folding chairs, bug repellent etc. Basically all your common sense items.
So the cars loaded and you're ready to go. Now what? Let's say this is a rebellious camping trip and we plan on having a fire. We're going to need some wood. Now I took my little Asian friend Collin into the woods last fall and we gathered enough firewood to last many camping trips, but for the sake of argument we'll say we don't have any stockpiled up. I'm against buying it from grocery stores (paying for things you can get for free just seems wrong i.e. plastic grocery bags). You'll need a truck for this but it works great. Head over to your local Lowes Home Improvement Center. Stop! Don't park and go inside silly. What did I just say? We're NOT buying wood. Pull around to the back of the store. There's usually a large pile of scrap wood/ broken pallets back there. Now I don't know if it's 100% legal to take this wood but nobody's ever said anything to me about it. I've only been given weird looks from employees while loading it in the truck but never any threats of legal action.
OK, we've got the wood. What's next? I'm assuming we're going to want food on this trip unless you plan on eating whatever wildlife you kill but that's not really my style of camping. (Note: I did kill a squirrel once with the intention of eating it but once I picked it up and saw how gross/diseased it looked I couldn't do it. RIP Hank the squirrel.) You can never go wrong with a hobo dinner. For this you'll need all sorts of things that will make the green hippies sick to their stomach. Start with the cheapest tinfoil you can find, get small bags of potatoes, carrots and beef all packaged for one-time use. Grab the biggest box of plastic utensils while you're at it. We're not going to the woods to wash dishes. Look at all that wasted plastic! Take that you green hippies!
Next up: Drinks. I suggest buying a case of bottled water and whatever other beverage your group prefers. For us it's a 24 pack of Mountain Dew. Something to keep us awake around the fire all night. Hippies don't like bottled water because it wastes plastic but lucky for us, we're not friends with any hippies.
Now unless you've got a stream in your camp you can dam up to keep your drinks cool you're going to need some sort of cooler. You could drop $60 on some gigantic tank-like Coleman cooler but what's the fun in that? They take up too much room. I suggest you buy on of those Styrofoam coolers for like $4 bucks. "But Brandon, those coolers aren't biodegradable!" Exactly, you green hippies. They're not. We'll talk about the proper way to dispose of them in a little bit. Let's not get ahead of ourselves.
We've finally arrived at the camp spot. Seven of us came in five different cars because we plan on leaving at different times but that's OK. We don't care about pollution from cars, remember? First things first: Set up your tent before the sun goes down. That's a pain to do in the dark. Secondly, unload your gear. Now it's time for the fun part: Starting the fire. Sure, we all learned how to start the ol' wood tepee fire but let's be honest. That takes too long. If our ancestors had gasoline and a lighter they'd use it! Stand back, this might be quite big at first.
The fires roaring now. You've gotta wait for some coals before we can start cooking our hobo dinners. What should we do in the meantime? I suggest having a wander around the woods. (Be sure someone stays back to watch the fire though. Just because we don't care about global warming doesn't mean we want to burn the mountains down.) Now most green hippies will tell you to stay on designated trail when in the woods. They're afraid you'll destroy the natural vegetation and the soil. Now's a good time to give them the mental middle finger and wander wherever your little heart desires. Some of the coolest spots I've found in the woods has been off trails. If a herd of Elk tromping through the woods doesn't destroy anything I highly doubt I will. I mean, I'm not wielding a machete.
OK lets fast forward now. You're back at camp, you've finished dinner and a few of the troops that have to leave early have gone to bed. You don't want to attract wildlife with your left over food and garbage so what should we do? Burn it. That's right, burn it. EVERY green hippie you'll meet will BEG you not to burn it. Don't listen to them. But it all. The water bottles, the plastic utensils, paper plates, condiment bottles even the Styrofoam cooler. There's no need to haul a ton of trash back into civilization with us if we can magically make it disappear right now. Even your Mountain Dew cans will melt in the fire if the coals are hot enough. Burn it. Burn it all.
In the morning it's time to pack our things and head back to the real world. But man, wasn't that fun?! There's one more important thing: We're anti-global warming not anti-woods. Be sure to leave the camp spot better than you found it. Pick out any garbage that might not have been destroyed in the fire (i.e. tinfoil). There might be some nails from the pallets in there too. Those are a breeze to pick up with the help of a magnet. I use one out of a large speaker. It may seem simple but these are some of the best camping trips out there. Good times with great friends, no harm done to the woods and plenty of harm done to the global warming greeneis. Perfect.
*Readers note: Burning couches is not recommended while camping. I was banned from a local canyon by the fire department a couple summers ago for burning a couch. I've since learned from my mistakes. If you're going to burn a couch do it on private property, not in the woods.
Friday, March 25, 2011
Friday, March 18, 2011
Post #7 Global Warming and the Terrible Effects of Camping
Welcome back everyone! Did anyone buy a Jeep this week? I’ll be expecting a free ride if you did. Spring break has come and gone. Some of you might not have had a break but I think it’s safe to say we’re all looking forward to spring.
This weeks topic ties in perfectly with some of our current events. I hope you’re ready for this week’s madness because without further ado I bring you…
Global Warming and the Terrible Effects of Camping.
Its official, March madness is finally underway. But the NCAA basketball tournament isn’t the only madness going on right now. Oh no, there’s a madness that’s much more mad than throwing a silly ball in a hoop. Today’s topic was inspired by an online newspaper article I read a couple days ago. The article is so foolish that I’m not even going to list the name of the paper. They’ve suffered enough damage; they don’t need me spreading their green filth.
The article I speak of was an advice column instructing readers on ways they can fight global warming this summer, in which the author proposed a strategy to reduce CO2 emissions by banning camp fires because they involve the open combustion of wood.
Needless to say when I read this I was in shock. I just don’t get these global warming activists. I would have thought that camping would be one of the best things you could do for the environment! If you read post #4 you’d think I was describing a camper. When you’re camping you have no choice but to hang your clothes out to dry, there’s no showers in the woods (only river baths), there are no ovens to preheat and you wear the same clothes for multiple days, eliminating wasted water and electricity used on doing laundry.
I’m convinced these people aren’t worried about global warming. They’re simply anti-happiness. Have they ever been camping?! You HAVE to have a campfire. It's one of the basic fundamentals of camping. Without a fire you're merely surviving in the woods. Not once have I been to a campfire and thought; “Boy It’s hard to enjoy these golden-brown roasted marshmallows knowing how much damage this fires doing to the environment.” If you’ve ever thought this you’re dumber than the wood that’s burning in the fire.
I’ve compiled a list of other things we should eliminate if we’re worried about damaging the environment:
1. Ban the use of charcoal- It’s just as damaging as wood.
2. Ban all BBQ’s- IF your neighbors are outside grilling report them to the police immediately.
3. Ban driving in the mountains- Car exhaust is terrible for the outdoors. If you want to camp that bad you can hike through the canyon.
4. Ban folding camp chairs- Their metal frames aren't biodegradable and the fabric comes from 100% cotton. Both of which goes against the green team. It's not going to kill you to stand your entire camping trip.
5. Ban flashlights- Flashlights require batteries. Batteries which contain dangerous chemicals and acids that could kill plants and animals shoud they fall out of your flashlight, hit a rock, crack open and leak out.
6. Ban tents- Tents SMASH the ground and kill important plants and soils below them. If you're gong to sleep in the woods learn to sleep standing up.
7. Ban cooking hot dogs over a campfire- 90% of people who cook hot dogs over the fire break off a tree branch to cook their hot dog with. This is KILLING the environment.
8. Ban bug repellent- Ahem, aerosol cans? They're terrible for the environment. Not to mention all the chemicals in bug repellent is harmful for plants and animals alike. The over spray does a great deal of damage to poor mother nature. If you really want to go camping accept the fact that you're going to be eaten alive by bugs.
Are you starting to get the drift? I'd bet a milkshake that these carbon footprint obsessed greenies haven't spent a night in the woods. If you're at a campfire this spring/summer and start to feel bad about the damage you're doing to the environment I want you to think back to this post and smile. Kick back in your folding chair, throw another marshmallow on your broken tree branch and give a mental middle finger to all the green Nazis.
* Camping holds a special place in my heart. I've had some pretty epic camping trips in my lifetime. I try to go every weekend I can in the summertime. I think that next week I'm going to tell you how to have the perfect camping trip. It will coincide with the global warming because nearly everything I do in the woods would make the green Nazis cringe. If you have any favorite camping traditions you'd like me to include in the article be sure to post them here!
This weeks topic ties in perfectly with some of our current events. I hope you’re ready for this week’s madness because without further ado I bring you…
Global Warming and the Terrible Effects of Camping.
Its official, March madness is finally underway. But the NCAA basketball tournament isn’t the only madness going on right now. Oh no, there’s a madness that’s much more mad than throwing a silly ball in a hoop. Today’s topic was inspired by an online newspaper article I read a couple days ago. The article is so foolish that I’m not even going to list the name of the paper. They’ve suffered enough damage; they don’t need me spreading their green filth.
The article I speak of was an advice column instructing readers on ways they can fight global warming this summer, in which the author proposed a strategy to reduce CO2 emissions by banning camp fires because they involve the open combustion of wood.
Needless to say when I read this I was in shock. I just don’t get these global warming activists. I would have thought that camping would be one of the best things you could do for the environment! If you read post #4 you’d think I was describing a camper. When you’re camping you have no choice but to hang your clothes out to dry, there’s no showers in the woods (only river baths), there are no ovens to preheat and you wear the same clothes for multiple days, eliminating wasted water and electricity used on doing laundry.
I’m convinced these people aren’t worried about global warming. They’re simply anti-happiness. Have they ever been camping?! You HAVE to have a campfire. It's one of the basic fundamentals of camping. Without a fire you're merely surviving in the woods. Not once have I been to a campfire and thought; “Boy It’s hard to enjoy these golden-brown roasted marshmallows knowing how much damage this fires doing to the environment.” If you’ve ever thought this you’re dumber than the wood that’s burning in the fire.
I’ve compiled a list of other things we should eliminate if we’re worried about damaging the environment:
1. Ban the use of charcoal- It’s just as damaging as wood.
2. Ban all BBQ’s- IF your neighbors are outside grilling report them to the police immediately.
3. Ban driving in the mountains- Car exhaust is terrible for the outdoors. If you want to camp that bad you can hike through the canyon.
4. Ban folding camp chairs- Their metal frames aren't biodegradable and the fabric comes from 100% cotton. Both of which goes against the green team. It's not going to kill you to stand your entire camping trip.
5. Ban flashlights- Flashlights require batteries. Batteries which contain dangerous chemicals and acids that could kill plants and animals shoud they fall out of your flashlight, hit a rock, crack open and leak out.
6. Ban tents- Tents SMASH the ground and kill important plants and soils below them. If you're gong to sleep in the woods learn to sleep standing up.
7. Ban cooking hot dogs over a campfire- 90% of people who cook hot dogs over the fire break off a tree branch to cook their hot dog with. This is KILLING the environment.
8. Ban bug repellent- Ahem, aerosol cans? They're terrible for the environment. Not to mention all the chemicals in bug repellent is harmful for plants and animals alike. The over spray does a great deal of damage to poor mother nature. If you really want to go camping accept the fact that you're going to be eaten alive by bugs.
Are you starting to get the drift? I'd bet a milkshake that these carbon footprint obsessed greenies haven't spent a night in the woods. If you're at a campfire this spring/summer and start to feel bad about the damage you're doing to the environment I want you to think back to this post and smile. Kick back in your folding chair, throw another marshmallow on your broken tree branch and give a mental middle finger to all the green Nazis.
* Camping holds a special place in my heart. I've had some pretty epic camping trips in my lifetime. I try to go every weekend I can in the summertime. I think that next week I'm going to tell you how to have the perfect camping trip. It will coincide with the global warming because nearly everything I do in the woods would make the green Nazis cringe. If you have any favorite camping traditions you'd like me to include in the article be sure to post them here!
Monday, March 14, 2011
Post #6 Global Warming and Big ol' 4X4 Vehicles
Welcome back everyone! I hope you had a great time making the biggest carbon footprints you possibly could. I have to start with a funny story: A fellow global warming activist started following me on Twitter this week. The only problem was he's an activist for the OTHER side. That's right, he was one of these green freaks that washes and reuses plastic grocery bags. Needless to say, after he read my blog and knew what I was all about he QUICKLY removed himself as one of my Twitter followers. No love lost here.
I'm in Moab this weekend and don't have time to go in depth with the global warming so we're going to keep it short and sweet. That doesn't mean we're skimping out on the quality, just the quantity. Hold on to your butts cause here we go.. Without further ado I bring you...
Global Warming and Big ol' 4X4 Vehicles
There's nothing like spring break in Moab Utah. Sure they've got their fair share of fairies down here. Ya know, the granola's driving their Subaru Outback covered in 'Save the Trees' stickers. But opposite the granola fairies there's another monster down here. That monster is, well, monster trucks. That's right, huge lifted trucks and jeeps. You see, Moab is pretty much one gigantic rock for people to play on in their 4X4 vehicles.
Now I'm not a fan of redneck hillbillies who drive their huge black-exhaust pumping trucks in town, wearing cowboy hats while Eminem blares from their crappy Walmart-installed stereo systems (I've never understood that). The exhaust doesn't bother me because hey, it's a key element in the warming of our globe. I'm mostly bothered by their lack of self identity. Are you a cowboy? Farmer? Gangster? Either way nobody thinks you're cool out there on main street looking for a good ol' drag race. The lifted trucks and jeeps down here that fearlessly climbing the rocky hillsides on the other hand are pretty awesome.
I'm going to tell you about two people I've seen here in Moab this weekend and you tell me who the real winner is:
What does the word Jeep mean? One popular notion has it that the vehicle bore the designation "GP" (for "General Purpose"), which was phonetically slurred into the word jeep. Jeeps are definitely general purpose. You can use them for anything. City driving OR climbing the side of a mountain.
What does the word Prius mean? Prius is the combination of two words, "pre" and "us." Here's an example: Guy meets girl. Guy asks girl on a date. That date leads to another date. Things start to get serious. Girl says to guy: "Before you and I become an "us" you need to get rid of that Prius and buy a real mans vehicle.
The Prius is just that, a pre-us vehicle. Have you ever seen a Prius climb the side of a mountain? No. Have you ever seen anyone do a double take when a Prius drives by? No. Sell it and buy a jeep. Then you wont have to spend your time chatting up underage Maverick employees, trying to justify your constant single state with your great gas mileage.
Sure the gas mileage might be terrible in a lifted truck or jeep. But it's worth it and you CAN afford it. Remember all the money you're saving now that you're not buying reusable shopping bags? There you go. Who care's if huge vehicles pollute the earth? That only means a warmer globe and an early summer. I've said it before and I'm going to say it again; that's the end goal here, folks.
I'm in Moab this weekend and don't have time to go in depth with the global warming so we're going to keep it short and sweet. That doesn't mean we're skimping out on the quality, just the quantity. Hold on to your butts cause here we go.. Without further ado I bring you...
Global Warming and Big ol' 4X4 Vehicles
There's nothing like spring break in Moab Utah. Sure they've got their fair share of fairies down here. Ya know, the granola's driving their Subaru Outback covered in 'Save the Trees' stickers. But opposite the granola fairies there's another monster down here. That monster is, well, monster trucks. That's right, huge lifted trucks and jeeps. You see, Moab is pretty much one gigantic rock for people to play on in their 4X4 vehicles.
Now I'm not a fan of redneck hillbillies who drive their huge black-exhaust pumping trucks in town, wearing cowboy hats while Eminem blares from their crappy Walmart-installed stereo systems (I've never understood that). The exhaust doesn't bother me because hey, it's a key element in the warming of our globe. I'm mostly bothered by their lack of self identity. Are you a cowboy? Farmer? Gangster? Either way nobody thinks you're cool out there on main street looking for a good ol' drag race. The lifted trucks and jeeps down here that fearlessly climbing the rocky hillsides on the other hand are pretty awesome.
I'm going to tell you about two people I've seen here in Moab this weekend and you tell me who the real winner is:
- The guy who was literally driving up the side of a mountain, rocks spiting out from under his tires, raining down like a Hells hailstorm while the gathered crowd roars in excitement?
- The guy bragging to the gas station attendant about getting 51 miles per gallon on the freeway in his hybrid Toyota Prius?
What does the word Jeep mean? One popular notion has it that the vehicle bore the designation "GP" (for "General Purpose"), which was phonetically slurred into the word jeep. Jeeps are definitely general purpose. You can use them for anything. City driving OR climbing the side of a mountain.
What does the word Prius mean? Prius is the combination of two words, "pre" and "us." Here's an example: Guy meets girl. Guy asks girl on a date. That date leads to another date. Things start to get serious. Girl says to guy: "Before you and I become an "us" you need to get rid of that Prius and buy a real mans vehicle.
The Prius is just that, a pre-us vehicle. Have you ever seen a Prius climb the side of a mountain? No. Have you ever seen anyone do a double take when a Prius drives by? No. Sell it and buy a jeep. Then you wont have to spend your time chatting up underage Maverick employees, trying to justify your constant single state with your great gas mileage.
Sure the gas mileage might be terrible in a lifted truck or jeep. But it's worth it and you CAN afford it. Remember all the money you're saving now that you're not buying reusable shopping bags? There you go. Who care's if huge vehicles pollute the earth? That only means a warmer globe and an early summer. I've said it before and I'm going to say it again; that's the end goal here, folks.
Friday, March 4, 2011
Post #5- Global Warming and Your Big Carbon Footprint
Welcome back everyone. Wendy's reported an increase in Baconator sales this week. They sent me a thank you note for all the hype in last weeks post. I thought that was nice of them. I also received several letters from fans telling me how much they enjoy their lengthy showers now. Someone else mentioned how much free space they have in their pockets now that they've switched from carrying matches to a lighter. You're welcome.
OK, moving on. We've got a great topic today! I'm very excited. We're going to unveil the ugly truth as to what it really means to reduce your carbon footprint(s). So without further ado...
Global Warming and Your Big Carbon Footprint
Did you know the most effective way to reduce your carbon footprint is by killing yourself?
Seems a bit extreme, right? But it's true. For those of you who don't know, a carbon footprint is a measurement of all greenhouse gases we individually produce in our day-to-day lives through burning fossil fuels for electricity, heating and transportation etc. In other words; It's the impact our activities have on the environment, and in particular climate change.
For months I've intensely researched methods of reducing ones carbon footprint and the findings were astonishing. Suicide truly is the best method for reducing ones carbon footprint. "But Brandon, I don't want to/ think I could kill myself!" I know, I know. It seems a bit drastic. But trust me, I've looked at other methods of reducing your carbon footprint and suicide IS the least painful solution.
Instead of turning this into a column of suicide tips I've decided to list some carbon footprint reducing ideas and brief you on why you shouldn't abide by them, thus allowing you to live a long and happy life without worrying about your carbon footprint.
Idea #1- Join or form a Compact in your area: (groups all across the globe committing for 12 months to not buy any new products.) When I read this "idea" I wanted to stand up and smash my keyboard through the computer monitor. Do these people actually believe the tripe they write?! That is pure craziness. Take a walk through your house right now and tell me if you could survive 12 months with the things you have. I would say 95% of us couldn't and the 5% who say they could are lying. I'm pretty sure I would end up killing myself after month number three. No more Brandon= no more carbon footprint. Maybe that's the ulterior motive behind this "idea".
Idea #2- Borrow From Friends: (If you only need something temporarily, ask if a friend or neighbor would loan it to you.) So I should ask my neighbor if I can borrow his Hummer to get down to the airport? Isn't that contributing to the carbon footprint problem? Fact: Nobody likes a person who's CONSTANTLY asking if they can borrow something. "Hey Hank, can I borrow your lawnmower again?" This continues every week for the entire summer until Hanks neighbor can't take it anymore and gasses Hanks lawn in the middle of the night so grass no longer grows. If you need something temporarily chances are someday you'll need it again Go buy it. Don't be cheap.
Idea #3- Share With Friends: (Share things like books, magazines, movies, games, and newspapers between friends and neighbors.) True story: My ornery old neighbor FLIPPED out on me last summer because I accidentally took his garbage can instead of mine (everyone piles them together next to the curb on pick-up days). If he flipped out over a stinky can used to store waste there's not a snowballs chance in Hell that he's going to let me borrow his DVD collection. Almost all of my neighbors are old or Hispanic. Though there's nothing wrong with either of them, I highly doubt we have the same reading interests. I'd bet a milkshake that none of them subscribe to ESPN Magazine. Once again, if you want it- go buy it.
Idea #4- Construction Alternatives: (If you're doing construction on your house, search out alternatives to using newly cut wood.) Now there's a winning idea. You're spending hundreds of thousands of your hard-earned money on a new home. The home that you'll raise your children in and someday lounge in when the kiddo's are all grown up. You'll host family parties in that home and constantly have the grand kids over. Why not save a few bucks and skimp on the wood? I'm sure we can find some warped waterlogged driftwood in the river. Let's use that! You know the person writing this lives alone in the back of their Subaru Outback covered in 'Save the Trees' stickers. Who in their right mind would cut corners when building THEIR OWN home? Idiocy.
Idea #5- Bulk Purchases: (Avoid products that are packaged for single use i.e., drinks, school lunches, candy, salad mixes etc.) There's nothing I love more in the summer than a cold Capri Sun. They're packaged for a quick, efficient one time use on the go. I don't know anyone who feels guilty drinking them because of their harm to the environment. You can buy them in bulk and guess what? They're STILL packaged for a quick one time use. This idea is dumb. Sometimes I grab a Snickers bar when I'm gassing my car up. That's not something I can justify buying in bulk. I don't need 500 of them sitting in my car. And guess what? Even if I did buy them in bulk they're STILL individually wrapped.
Idea #6- Avoid Creating Trash: (Avoid creating trash wherever possible: when ordering food, avoid receiving any unnecessary plastic utensils, straws, etc. (ask in advance), don't accept "free" promotional products.) Straws aren't a necessity, they're a luxury. Need I remind you about last weeks post? I'm going to use seven straws in honor of my ancestors who never had the opportunity to use one. Don't accept any FREE promotional products?! They're free you imbecile! Why wouldn't I accept?! I can guarantee that's the ONLY reason 90% of people go to Sams Club on a Saturday. Free samples!
Idea #7- Plastic Shopping Bags: (While shopping,try and skip on the plastic shopping bags if possible. For larger purchases, bring your own.) We've already dedicated one whole post to plastic shopping bags so I won't go into too much detail here. Skip the bags? What does that mean? "Don't bother bagging my groceries kind sir. I'm going to try and juggle them out to my car." They're free, folks. Use em.
I thought idea #7 was the stupidest idea yet until I read this one:
Idea #8- Wash and Reuse Plastic Bags: (With either a wooden bag dryer or in the washing machine.) If you're washing the FREE plastic grocery bags you get at the store I'm deleting you as a Facebook friend today. No exceptions. I might even burn your house down, it depends on my mood. I had no idea what a wooden bag dryer was until I read this. They're going for $21.99 on Amazon. Or you could throw the bags away and get new ones for FREE next time you're at the store.
And finally, one for the love birds:
Idea #9- Buy Recycled Gold: (If you are shopping for wedding rings or other jewelry consider buying recycled gold jewelry and synthetic diamonds and gemstones.) Nothing says 'I love you' like a synthetic diamond. Thrifty and romantic. I'm not saying you need to go out and spend a years worth of wages on a wedding ring but if you're going to surprise her with a synthetic diamond ring don't be surprised if she says no. She'd be happier with a Ring Pop.
Well, it looks like we've run out of time. Thanks for reading. Remember: Regular footprints aren't bad unless they're in wet cement. Carbon footprints can't mark cement so don't worry about it. And if you're still at unease because of your carbon footprint----> Go kill yourself.
OK, moving on. We've got a great topic today! I'm very excited. We're going to unveil the ugly truth as to what it really means to reduce your carbon footprint(s). So without further ado...
Global Warming and Your Big Carbon Footprint
Did you know the most effective way to reduce your carbon footprint is by killing yourself?
Seems a bit extreme, right? But it's true. For those of you who don't know, a carbon footprint is a measurement of all greenhouse gases we individually produce in our day-to-day lives through burning fossil fuels for electricity, heating and transportation etc. In other words; It's the impact our activities have on the environment, and in particular climate change.
For months I've intensely researched methods of reducing ones carbon footprint and the findings were astonishing. Suicide truly is the best method for reducing ones carbon footprint. "But Brandon, I don't want to/ think I could kill myself!" I know, I know. It seems a bit drastic. But trust me, I've looked at other methods of reducing your carbon footprint and suicide IS the least painful solution.
Instead of turning this into a column of suicide tips I've decided to list some carbon footprint reducing ideas and brief you on why you shouldn't abide by them, thus allowing you to live a long and happy life without worrying about your carbon footprint.
Idea #1- Join or form a Compact in your area: (groups all across the globe committing for 12 months to not buy any new products.) When I read this "idea" I wanted to stand up and smash my keyboard through the computer monitor. Do these people actually believe the tripe they write?! That is pure craziness. Take a walk through your house right now and tell me if you could survive 12 months with the things you have. I would say 95% of us couldn't and the 5% who say they could are lying. I'm pretty sure I would end up killing myself after month number three. No more Brandon= no more carbon footprint. Maybe that's the ulterior motive behind this "idea".
Idea #2- Borrow From Friends: (If you only need something temporarily, ask if a friend or neighbor would loan it to you.) So I should ask my neighbor if I can borrow his Hummer to get down to the airport? Isn't that contributing to the carbon footprint problem? Fact: Nobody likes a person who's CONSTANTLY asking if they can borrow something. "Hey Hank, can I borrow your lawnmower again?" This continues every week for the entire summer until Hanks neighbor can't take it anymore and gasses Hanks lawn in the middle of the night so grass no longer grows. If you need something temporarily chances are someday you'll need it again Go buy it. Don't be cheap.
Idea #3- Share With Friends: (Share things like books, magazines, movies, games, and newspapers between friends and neighbors.) True story: My ornery old neighbor FLIPPED out on me last summer because I accidentally took his garbage can instead of mine (everyone piles them together next to the curb on pick-up days). If he flipped out over a stinky can used to store waste there's not a snowballs chance in Hell that he's going to let me borrow his DVD collection. Almost all of my neighbors are old or Hispanic. Though there's nothing wrong with either of them, I highly doubt we have the same reading interests. I'd bet a milkshake that none of them subscribe to ESPN Magazine. Once again, if you want it- go buy it.
Idea #4- Construction Alternatives: (If you're doing construction on your house, search out alternatives to using newly cut wood.) Now there's a winning idea. You're spending hundreds of thousands of your hard-earned money on a new home. The home that you'll raise your children in and someday lounge in when the kiddo's are all grown up. You'll host family parties in that home and constantly have the grand kids over. Why not save a few bucks and skimp on the wood? I'm sure we can find some warped waterlogged driftwood in the river. Let's use that! You know the person writing this lives alone in the back of their Subaru Outback covered in 'Save the Trees' stickers. Who in their right mind would cut corners when building THEIR OWN home? Idiocy.
Idea #5- Bulk Purchases: (Avoid products that are packaged for single use i.e., drinks, school lunches, candy, salad mixes etc.) There's nothing I love more in the summer than a cold Capri Sun. They're packaged for a quick, efficient one time use on the go. I don't know anyone who feels guilty drinking them because of their harm to the environment. You can buy them in bulk and guess what? They're STILL packaged for a quick one time use. This idea is dumb. Sometimes I grab a Snickers bar when I'm gassing my car up. That's not something I can justify buying in bulk. I don't need 500 of them sitting in my car. And guess what? Even if I did buy them in bulk they're STILL individually wrapped.
Idea #6- Avoid Creating Trash: (Avoid creating trash wherever possible: when ordering food, avoid receiving any unnecessary plastic utensils, straws, etc. (ask in advance), don't accept "free" promotional products.) Straws aren't a necessity, they're a luxury. Need I remind you about last weeks post? I'm going to use seven straws in honor of my ancestors who never had the opportunity to use one. Don't accept any FREE promotional products?! They're free you imbecile! Why wouldn't I accept?! I can guarantee that's the ONLY reason 90% of people go to Sams Club on a Saturday. Free samples!
Idea #7- Plastic Shopping Bags: (While shopping,try and skip on the plastic shopping bags if possible. For larger purchases, bring your own.) We've already dedicated one whole post to plastic shopping bags so I won't go into too much detail here. Skip the bags? What does that mean? "Don't bother bagging my groceries kind sir. I'm going to try and juggle them out to my car." They're free, folks. Use em.
I thought idea #7 was the stupidest idea yet until I read this one:
Idea #8- Wash and Reuse Plastic Bags: (With either a wooden bag dryer or in the washing machine.) If you're washing the FREE plastic grocery bags you get at the store I'm deleting you as a Facebook friend today. No exceptions. I might even burn your house down, it depends on my mood. I had no idea what a wooden bag dryer was until I read this. They're going for $21.99 on Amazon. Or you could throw the bags away and get new ones for FREE next time you're at the store.
And finally, one for the love birds:
Idea #9- Buy Recycled Gold: (If you are shopping for wedding rings or other jewelry consider buying recycled gold jewelry and synthetic diamonds and gemstones.) Nothing says 'I love you' like a synthetic diamond. Thrifty and romantic. I'm not saying you need to go out and spend a years worth of wages on a wedding ring but if you're going to surprise her with a synthetic diamond ring don't be surprised if she says no. She'd be happier with a Ring Pop.
Well, it looks like we've run out of time. Thanks for reading. Remember: Regular footprints aren't bad unless they're in wet cement. Carbon footprints can't mark cement so don't worry about it. And if you're still at unease because of your carbon footprint----> Go kill yourself.
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