Welcome back everyone. Wendy's reported an increase in Baconator sales this week. They sent me a thank you note for all the hype in last weeks post. I thought that was nice of them. I also received several letters from fans telling me how much they enjoy their lengthy showers now. Someone else mentioned how much free space they have in their pockets now that they've switched from carrying matches to a lighter. You're welcome.
OK, moving on. We've got a great topic today! I'm very excited. We're going to unveil the ugly truth as to what it really means to reduce your carbon footprint(s). So without further ado...
Global Warming and Your Big Carbon Footprint
Did you know the most effective way to reduce your carbon footprint is by killing yourself?
Seems a bit extreme, right? But it's true. For those of you who don't know, a carbon footprint is a measurement of all greenhouse gases we individually produce in our day-to-day lives through burning fossil fuels for electricity, heating and transportation etc. In other words; It's the impact our activities have on the environment, and in particular climate change.
For months I've intensely researched methods of reducing ones carbon footprint and the findings were astonishing. Suicide truly is the best method for reducing ones carbon footprint. "But Brandon, I don't want to/ think I could kill myself!" I know, I know. It seems a bit drastic. But trust me, I've looked at other methods of reducing your carbon footprint and suicide IS the least painful solution.
Instead of turning this into a column of suicide tips I've decided to list some carbon footprint reducing ideas and brief you on why you shouldn't abide by them, thus allowing you to live a long and happy life without worrying about your carbon footprint.
Idea #1- Join or form a Compact in your area: (groups all across the globe committing for 12 months to not buy any new products.) When I read this "idea" I wanted to stand up and smash my keyboard through the computer monitor. Do these people actually believe the tripe they write?! That is pure craziness. Take a walk through your house right now and tell me if you could survive 12 months with the things you have. I would say 95% of us couldn't and the 5% who say they could are lying. I'm pretty sure I would end up killing myself after month number three. No more Brandon= no more carbon footprint. Maybe that's the ulterior motive behind this "idea".
Idea #2- Borrow From Friends: (If you only need something temporarily, ask if a friend or neighbor would loan it to you.) So I should ask my neighbor if I can borrow his Hummer to get down to the airport? Isn't that contributing to the carbon footprint problem? Fact: Nobody likes a person who's CONSTANTLY asking if they can borrow something. "Hey Hank, can I borrow your lawnmower again?" This continues every week for the entire summer until Hanks neighbor can't take it anymore and gasses Hanks lawn in the middle of the night so grass no longer grows. If you need something temporarily chances are someday you'll need it again Go buy it. Don't be cheap.
Idea #3- Share With Friends: (Share things like books, magazines, movies, games, and newspapers between friends and neighbors.) True story: My ornery old neighbor FLIPPED out on me last summer because I accidentally took his garbage can instead of mine (everyone piles them together next to the curb on pick-up days). If he flipped out over a stinky can used to store waste there's not a snowballs chance in Hell that he's going to let me borrow his DVD collection. Almost all of my neighbors are old or Hispanic. Though there's nothing wrong with either of them, I highly doubt we have the same reading interests. I'd bet a milkshake that none of them subscribe to ESPN Magazine. Once again, if you want it- go buy it.
Idea #4- Construction Alternatives: (If you're doing construction on your house, search out alternatives to using newly cut wood.) Now there's a winning idea. You're spending hundreds of thousands of your hard-earned money on a new home. The home that you'll raise your children in and someday lounge in when the kiddo's are all grown up. You'll host family parties in that home and constantly have the grand kids over. Why not save a few bucks and skimp on the wood? I'm sure we can find some warped waterlogged driftwood in the river. Let's use that! You know the person writing this lives alone in the back of their Subaru Outback covered in 'Save the Trees' stickers. Who in their right mind would cut corners when building THEIR OWN home? Idiocy.
Idea #5- Bulk Purchases: (Avoid products that are packaged for single use i.e., drinks, school lunches, candy, salad mixes etc.) There's nothing I love more in the summer than a cold Capri Sun. They're packaged for a quick, efficient one time use on the go. I don't know anyone who feels guilty drinking them because of their harm to the environment. You can buy them in bulk and guess what? They're STILL packaged for a quick one time use. This idea is dumb. Sometimes I grab a Snickers bar when I'm gassing my car up. That's not something I can justify buying in bulk. I don't need 500 of them sitting in my car. And guess what? Even if I did buy them in bulk they're STILL individually wrapped.
Idea #6- Avoid Creating Trash: (Avoid creating trash wherever possible: when ordering food, avoid receiving any unnecessary plastic utensils, straws, etc. (ask in advance), don't accept "free" promotional products.) Straws aren't a necessity, they're a luxury. Need I remind you about last weeks post? I'm going to use seven straws in honor of my ancestors who never had the opportunity to use one. Don't accept any FREE promotional products?! They're free you imbecile! Why wouldn't I accept?! I can guarantee that's the ONLY reason 90% of people go to Sams Club on a Saturday. Free samples!
Idea #7- Plastic Shopping Bags: (While shopping,try and skip on the plastic shopping bags if possible. For larger purchases, bring your own.) We've already dedicated one whole post to plastic shopping bags so I won't go into too much detail here. Skip the bags? What does that mean? "Don't bother bagging my groceries kind sir. I'm going to try and juggle them out to my car." They're free, folks. Use em.
I thought idea #7 was the stupidest idea yet until I read this one:
Idea #8- Wash and Reuse Plastic Bags: (With either a wooden bag dryer or in the washing machine.) If you're washing the FREE plastic grocery bags you get at the store I'm deleting you as a Facebook friend today. No exceptions. I might even burn your house down, it depends on my mood. I had no idea what a wooden bag dryer was until I read this. They're going for $21.99 on Amazon. Or you could throw the bags away and get new ones for FREE next time you're at the store.
And finally, one for the love birds:
Idea #9- Buy Recycled Gold: (If you are shopping for wedding rings or other jewelry consider buying recycled gold jewelry and synthetic diamonds and gemstones.) Nothing says 'I love you' like a synthetic diamond. Thrifty and romantic. I'm not saying you need to go out and spend a years worth of wages on a wedding ring but if you're going to surprise her with a synthetic diamond ring don't be surprised if she says no. She'd be happier with a Ring Pop.
Well, it looks like we've run out of time. Thanks for reading. Remember: Regular footprints aren't bad unless they're in wet cement. Carbon footprints can't mark cement so don't worry about it. And if you're still at unease because of your carbon footprint----> Go kill yourself.
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