Post #4- Global Warming and Going Green

Welcome back everyone. Hmm... Your wallet looks a little thicker this week. I see you've stopped buying those silly reusable grocery bags and are cashing in on the free plastic ones. Good for you. Any ideas where we can vacation together with the wads of money we're saving?

Today's topic has been in practice by many of the 'cool kids' for years now. No, we're not talking about the return of ugly bright neon colors from the 80's. It's much worse than that. Today's topic is a serious one. It has many of our ancestors rolling in their graves asking themselves what we're doing. Today we're talking about going green. So without further ado...

Global Warming and Going Green
Did you know people who change habits/ lifestyles (go green) in hopes of bettering the environment die an average of EIGHT years before those who avoid the green bandwagon?

Going Green. You've heard it hundreds of times. But what does it really mean? For starters, it's called 'going green' because if they called it by it's real name, 'living like pioneers', nobody would go for it. I've foraged the internet for the most popular Green tips and today we'll unmask them for the painstaking, time consuming waste they really are.

Tip #1- Hang Clothes Outside to Dry - "Get a cloths line or rack to dry your cloths. Your cloths will last longer and you will save money."  This only works in a perfectly warm world. The problem is some people haven't hopped aboard the global warming bus, thus slowing down the warming process. I couldn't hang my clothes outside to dry because it's always wet here. Cache Valley has 3 seasons: Summer: June-August, Fall: September-October and Winter: November-May. My clothes would be wet 9 months out of the year if I left them outside to dry. Our ancestors didn't spend all their time and money inventing the dryer so we could live like apes and leave our stuff outside to dry.

Tip #2- Shorten Your Shower - "Every minute you cut from your shower is roughly 5 gallons of water. The less time your shower takes, the lower your impact on the environment."  We're worried about five gallons? Five gallons on a planet that's over 70% water? I love my long showers. It's my one time where I don't have to rush. The only time I would rush to finish a shower would be in prison. Rush or be rushed if ya know what I mean. Our ancestors would have given their best corn husk doll for a hot shower. I'm honoring their legacy by showering longer than necessary.

Tip #3- Don't Pre-Heat the Oven - "Unless needed, just turn the oven on after you put the dish in it. Also, to see if it's finished just look through the glass instead of opening it."  When was the last time you cooked something and the directions said 'pre-heat the oven if you feel like it'? That's ridiculous. And as far as looking through the glass to see if your foods cooked, I'm not a chef. I can't tell if it's cooked when I DO open the oven. Trying to decide without opening the oven is a recipe for disaster (pun intended).

Tip #4- Use Matches Instead of Lighters - "Lighters are usually considered disposable so they will most likely end up in land fills. You can use the cardboard matches which are much more eco-friendly because they are made of recycled material."  I'm not a smoker, but if I was I wouldn't carry around a box of strike anywhere matches. A lighter is 100 TIMES easier and more convenient than a box of matches. Why would you torture yourself lugging around a box of matches? If I saw someone walking down the street with a box of matches I'd assume they were some sort of arsonist. Once again, our ancestors would have given up their best OX for a lighter.

Tip #5- Reduce Meat Intake- "Meat is really a luxury and something we may forget is that an animal died to provide it. By reducing meat intake in our own homes, it helps lessen our environmental impact and goes some way to acknowledging the sacrifice."  Meat is a luxury? I'm sorry, but meat is my God given right. Wendy's Baconator is the sole reason I salute the flag at sporting events. They're right, many people do forget that an animal died to provide that burger. But the writer is forgetting something else too; that animal was raised for the sole purpose of one day being eaten. It's not like we ripped it out of its home, separated it from its family, forced it to live on a farm then one day cooked it up at a BBQ. You're thinking of what the Nazi did to the Jews. What sacrifice am I to be acknowledging by eating less meat? How about the sacrifice of our ancestors who couldn't roll up to the drive through window in their air conditioned car and order a Baconator? I owe it to them to eat there often.

Tip #6- Avoid Clothing Made From 100% Cotton- "The cotton industry clothes us at a huge cost to the environment. Pesticide and herbicides are used in astronomical levels, as is water and land."  I just looked in my closet and picked out my ten favorite shirts. All ten of them are 100% cotton (one of them being my D-Will jersey. RIP D-Will). Maybe we should just start making our own clothes out of trash bags and yard clippings. I'm going to wear my comfortable cotton clothes and not feel bad about it in the slightest. It's what my ancestors would want. Anyone who worries about the pesticides used to grow the cotton that now cloths them are nothing more than crazy germophobes that deserve to be sent to a remote planet without an atmosphere.

There are many more tips online that I'd like to breakdown for you but unfortunately we don't have the time. Your homework this week: Treat yourself like a king/ queen. You deserve it. Make your ancestors proud by doing whatever you want to do without any thought of the environment. You'll feel better about yourself and when the environment does fall apart it will finally be warm enough to dry our clothes outside. Permanent summer. That's the end goal here folks.

Thanks again for reading guys. If you've got a topic you'd like me to discuss or a going green tip you'd like to break down and analyze drop me a line and you could be featured in an upcoming column!

Post #3- Global Warming and Reusable Grocery Bags

Welcome back everyone. I hope you found ways to fill your time now that you're not wasting away precious hours recycling. Have you decided what to do with that empty space in your driveway now that the ugly recycling bin is gone? I suggest you install a basketball hoop.

Today's topic is a hot one (no pun intended) in the global warming community. It's been hit heavily at nearly every seminar I've attended in the past several months. The topic is the debate over plastic bags vs reusable bags. So without further ado...

Global Warming and Reusable Grocery Bags
Did you know by using plastic grocery bags for 5 years you support SEVEN Malaysian families who rely on the income from manufacturing them to survive?

Wikipedia says that the apparel industry promotes reusable shopping bags as "sustainable fashion." Isn't that the biggest load of tripe you've ever heard? Not once have I ever seen someone walking down the street with a reusable shopping bag and though to myself; "Dang Gina! They're stylin'!"   Not even a Gucci logo and a miniature puppy inside that reusable bag would make it fashionable.

I'd like to go on record right now saying that there's nothing more shady in this world than reusable grocery bags. Even the definition contradicts itself: "A reusable shopping bag, sometimes called bag for life is a type of shopping bag which can be reused several times: this is an alternative of single use paper or plastic bags."  Let me get this strait, it's called a 'bag for life' yet it's only good for several uses before needing replaced?

Lets do some math here. I was in Whole Foods the other day and noticed that their reusable bags were retailing for $14.99 each. Lets say the average person buys groceries for their family once a week. It would be impossible to put all your purchased goods for the week into one bag but we'll assume you can fit them into four reusable bags. That comes to $63.92 (with tax) for the four bags. Remember, they're only good for a few uses. We'll say you're the cautious type and somehow make your bags last for four trips to the grocery store. That means you'll be dishing out $767.04 (that's  £478.79 for those of you in the UK) every year for your bags. How long do people buy groceries for? Well, until they're put into a retirement home or they die. For the sake of argument we'll say 60 years. That brings our lifetime grand total to: $46,022 ( £28,722) spent on reusable grocery bags. Now I know you're in utter shock. It's OK. I was too. But I've got great news my friend! You're not a lost cause yet!

I'm going to let you in on a little secret that few people know: You know those flimsy plastic bags at the end of the checkout line at the grocery store? They're FREE! That's right! They're 100% FREE! Still don't get it? They don't cost anything! They're $FREE-NINETY-FREE! Now I know that some of you are saying; "But Brandon, they're not as strong as the reusable bags. Sometimes they rip on my way to the car and my groceries go rolling everywhere."   This is true and embarrassing. My bags ripped once in the Walmart parking lot (ASDA car park for you UK readers) sending my canned goods rolling in every direction. I was so embarrassed by this that I couldn't bring myself to go back there for months. We don't want this to happen to you. So what can you do? Well, remember how I said the bags are free? Do you know what the cost is to double-bag your goods? IT'S FREE! So in that case don't double bag them, triple bag them! IT'S FREEEE! (I can't reiterate that enough).

Need more reasons not to use reusable bags? Lyndsie, one of our dedicated readers brought this to my attention: "Reusable grocery bags can serve as a breeding ground for dangerous food-borne bacteria and pose a serious risk to public health, according to a joint food safety research report issued by researchers at the University of Arizona and Loma Linda University."
(http://eponline.com/articles/2010/07/01/reusable-grocery-bags-breed-bacteria-research-says.aspx)

I once saw a sign in at the checkout stand that read: "There are areas of the pacific Ocean that have more plastic than plankton."  That's not shocking, that's awesome! Truly one of the great feats of this American nation. Don't hang your head guys. That garbage is probably in the crappy parts of the Pacific Ocean. You won't see that junk at any major beach in California and let's be honest; Cali is really the only place to be as far as pacific Ocean beaches go. Out of sight, out of mind.

One last reason to avoid reusable bags: They're usually made from 100% recycled goods. And as we all remember from last weeks post, we don't support or condone recycling.

In closing, if we all do our part we CAN warm the globe up. It's the little things that make a difference. Just like the slogan for TESCOS (British grocery store) says "Every Little Helps."
(http://i1130.photobucket.com/albums/m532/hadleyfoo/tesco.jpg)

Thanks again for reading guys. If you've got a topic you'd like me to discuss or a myth that you'd like me to dispel just drop me a line and you could be featured in an upcoming column!

Post #2- Global Warming and Recycling

Welcome back everyone. I hope you had a great week avoiding carpooling and enjoyed driving yourself around at your own leisure. See, don't you feel better? As I mentioned last week It's been brought to my attention that some of aren't doing your part to help warm the globe up so I've started a weekly column which discusses at length, a topic related to global warming in which I explain why you should or shouldn't do it. Once again, I give credit to my friend Jordan Hansen who's weekly 'Friendly Non-Threatening Driving Advice' column has forever changed my life.

This week we're going to take a look at a fad associated with global warming that's become more trendy than Lance Armstrong's Livestrong bands AND Scientology combined. So without any further ado...

Global Warming and Recycling.
Did you know the average person spends THREE years of their life sorting through garbage trying to decide what they can recycle?

 Think about it, if recycling were really that important landfills would pay hobos (who are already there scavenging, mind you) to separate the garbage from recyclable goods. It would create jobs for hobo's AND would save us time because we could throw all our stuff out and let them deal with it. Everybody wins.

The main problem with recycling is that it's WAY too complicated. There's too many things you've gotta take into consideration. For example, in my neighborhood you can recycle a cereal box but not a pizza box, a newspaper but not a napkin, a cell phone but not a plastic bag (http://www.loganutah.org/Enviromental%20Dept/Recycling/index.cfm). Also, you can only recycle plastic with a recycle symbol #1 - # 7. Woah! Hold on just a second recycle Nazi's. Since when did this become a Where's Waldo book? I don't have time to hunt for numbers and symbols on my garbage. Why don't we require homes to have a chemistry set while we're at it? That way people can test their plastics and see if it meets the strict recycle requirements. What if you're throwing something away that's a combination of recyclable and non-recyclable, say a cardboard donut box with a plastic top? If you think I'm going to take the time to rip the box apart and remove the plastic, you're wrong. It's garbage thus, It's all going in the garbage. Out of sight, out of mind right? By doing so I just added THREE years to my life with which I can do whatever I please.

Another problem with recycling: It requires a lot of effort while giving nothing in return. Glass and other non-recyclable plastics aren't picked up at the curb. That means you have to store them somewhere in your house and take them to your local drop off point. No thanks. You're talking to the kid who will drive 10 minutes to the Little Caesars with a drive-thru window rather than the one two minutes away without a drive-thru. A few years ago it got to the point that my roommates and I were even too lazy to carry our garbage down two flights of stairs and across the parking lot to the dumpster. Instead we'd stand on our balcony and swing full garbage bags up and onto the roof. Outta sight, outta mind. This made giving directions to our apartment very easy. "Just look for the house with hundreds of  noisy seagulls circling it."  Nowadays we have a recycling bin outside but it hasn't been picked up for a couple weeks now. Probably because it contains some minuscule thing that can't be recycled.

You should be aware of subconscious promotions for recycling too. For example: Look on your computer desktop. See that little icon in the bottom called the recycle bin? I don't. I renamed mine the trash can. Why you ask? because when I empty it I don't want any of those files. They're not really being recycled, they're being deleted. Not broken down and reused. Deleted.  

I'm convinced everyone will be better off if we stop recycling. Lets quit now and spend those THREE years sightseeing or going on vacation together! Sure, putting an end to recycling might cause the globe to warm a little bit but hey, that just means an early summer!

So go and throw everything away my friends! Get rid of that ugly recycling bin clogging your driveway! I'll see you next Friday for another Global Warming topic!

Post #1- Global Warming & Carpooling

Global Warming & Carpooling.
Did you know that the average person spends THIRTEEN years of their life commuting to work?

So strange isn't it? Even the meaning of carpool doesn't add up. Cars--> great, pools--> Awesome! Carpools--> total crap. You are with your co-workers 8-10 hours a day, why on earth would you wanna spend an extra thirteen years with them?! Why would you want to wake up earlier only to sit in a parking lot and wait for the guy who's ALWAYS running late. You know the guy, there's always a new excuse "Sorry I'm late guys, but you won't believe what happened..." (insert B.S. story here). Why is it that you always seem to be the one stuck with the weirdos in your carpool? All the attractive people are riding together in a Bentley and you're crammed in the back seat of a Prius next to the obese man wearing way too much aftershave. Don't bother buckling. You're wedged in there so tight it'll take a 7-man team to pry you out when you finally get to the office. Then there's the guy who asks you to turn the radio down so he can catch a little 'shut eye' before work. You don't need the radio off to shut your eyes buddy, I know, I've tried. We'll all sit in awkward silence so you can catch some Z's before work. No problem. You've also go the guy who nervously checks all blind spots and gives you the OK whenever you attempt a lane change. And he always says it like you've got a 3 second gap before your car explodes. "YOU'RE CLEAR! MERGE! MERGE! MERGE!"  I'm not driving an 18-wheeler, buddy. I can see where I'm going. My favorite is the automated sign reader sitting quietly in the back seat. You often forget they're even in the car until you hear them say; "The speed limits 65mph here,"  "This is a school zone,"  "Our exit's coming up." Thank you Mr. Obvious.

The perks of driving alone FAR outweigh the perks of carpooling. For example: You can listen to whatever you want as loud as you want, you can speed, you can pass gas, you can dance like a robot (my brother and I got pretty good at this), you can take a different route and you can go wherever you want after work!

Now I know some of you are saying "But Brandon, you can't use the carpool lane if you're alone." Actually, You can. You just can't get caught. I suggest going to your local barber college and asking for an old mannequin head used for practicing hair cuts. Put it on a stick, throw a baseball cap on it (Yankees or Red Sox seem to be the teams of choice here in Utah) and PRESTO! You've got a passenger! The key is not looking suspicious. I found out during the follies of youth that whenever you're doing something you're not supposed to, as long as you show confidence and avoid looking suspicious people won't question you. You can get away with almost anything! So if you pass a highway patrol officer don't change lanes quickly. You ride that carpool lane like you own it and wave to him.

If we all drive separate I'm convinced that everyone will be happier as a whole. Sure the air quality might worsen a little bit, but it will also cause the globe to warm which means an early summer!

This concludes the 1st Global Warming  post. Go and drive my friends! Drive all alone! I'll see you next Friday for another Global Warming topic!