Welcome one and all to the 10th week of our global warming discussions! We've had some great discussions thus far and I'm looking forward to many more. We'll continue until the globes warm enough for us to enjoy summer year round. We've got a great topic today that I'm really excited about. We're going to be looking at ways we can benefit financially from all those poor suckers who have drunken the global warming Kool-Aid. So without further ado...
Making Money off Global Warming
Did you know some of the fastest growing businesses right now are those feeding off the fears of global warming advocates?
Now I know we're all pro global warming here. We've spent many weeks talking about the downside of recycling and reducing our carbon footprint. But that doesn't mean we can't pretend going green is a good thing if we can make an easy buck (or pound) off it. As you've seen, there's a plethora of people out there who will do whatever it takes to preserve the globe, even if that means putting wads of money in your pocket. So lets look at a few things you can do to cash in on these global greenies.
1- Recycling: I know we've dedicated two posts to the anti-recycling campaign but remember this: the worst part of recycling is the fact that it's time consuming without offering anything in return. However, there are a few exceptions. Take for instance soda cans. They can be recycled for an immediate monetary gain. Cash in hand (no taxes!). Now I know it's a burden to collect cans and store them until you've got enough to make some money so here's a tip or two to speed up the process.
1- Try putting some weights in the bottom of the cans before you crush them. Once they're crushed the weights will be hidden. You can almost double the worth of each can by hiding weight here and there!
2- Trade your old things for cans the homeless have collected: Sounds mean, right? Wrong. It's only mean if you're stealing cans from the homeless while they're taking a nap in the park. There's nothing wrong with giving your old junk to the homeless in exchange for their cans. "But Brandon, all I have to trade is an old blender." Who cares? It's not your problem that the blender doesn't work without electricity. If you can sell it as a 'must have item for every hobo' then good for you. Remember: beggars can't be choosers. They'll take almost anything.
3- Put a trash can outside your place with a fancy sign that reads 'recycling center'. This sounds stupid but IT WORKS! There's a house in Ogden that has several trash bins in front with a recycling sign featuring a soda can and a Utah Jazz logo. It has nothing to do with anything but it looks legit, so people don't question it and drop their cans off there. The home owners give the impression that they're doing the community a service by saving them a trip into town to do their recycling but really they're sitting in their house, swimming in a pit full of money, laughing at the stupidity of their fellow man. There cans are always full and they don't have to lift a finger.
2- Make your own 'organic compost' and sell it: Paying money for excrement has never been cooler than it is right now. How many of you out there are animal owners? I remember having to shovel animal poop out of the back yard growing up. Why not put it in a pile (preferably closer to the neighbors house than yours because it stinks) and sell it as organic compost? Throw in your leftovers from dinner and mix it together! Out doing yard work and can't make it in to use the bathroom? Go on the pile! People will literally buy your waste. You can sell it however you want: Hand full, shovel full, truck full or whatever measurement your little heart desires. Be sure to market it as a 'local' product and people will be lining up around the corner to get their hands on some.
3- Recycle Pennies: Now this one isn't exactly legal.. OK, It's not legal at all. A penny is worth more melted down and resold as copper than it is as an actual penny. I'm not condoning this activity, but if times are tough you do what you gotta do.
4- Take your old junk (that the hobo's didn't want) to a thrift store: Donations of old goods may be tax deductible, saving your money even if they don't make a direct profit. We're blessed here in Utah to have a Deseret Industries in practically every city. If you can't flog it to the homeless take it to the DI and use it as a tax write off.
Now I hope you're not under the impression that I'm slowly being pulled to the green team. That's simply not the case. We're only doing these things to make some easy money off the green-minded. But with all these things there is a chance we'll be doing more harm than good in bringing eternal summer to your neighborhood, so I offer this outlandish suggestion: If you're going to recycle things for money you need to even the scales. Stop using garbage cans and throw your trash out on the side of the road while you drive. Do this everywhere (except for the mountains). Do it Downtown, in the country, in front of your neighbors house. Litter. Litter a lot. That should compensate for the good you've done recycling. "But Brandon, trash looks gross on the side of the freeway." Yeah, it might not be the most pleasant thing to look at but you should be focused on driving not on the cleanliness of your surroundings. Besides, it won't be there for long. Most sheriffs departments in Utah make juvenile delinquents in orange jumpsuits clean it up. So look at it this way: you're warming the globe AND helping rehabilitate the leaders of tomorrow!
Thanks for reading you guys. Feel free to drop a comment or suggestion you might have to help warm the globe. I love hearing from you! Until next week- Do your part to warm the globe. We're almost there. I can feel it.
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