Welcome fellow pro-global warming activists. We're making history today. For the first time ever we've got a special guest writer to share some insight on today's topic. But before we delve into today's post I'd like to take a moment to introduce our guest. Jordan has been a dear friend of mine for ages. It was his weekly column 'Friendly Non-Threatening Driving Advice' that inspired these global warming discussions. (You can listen to his columns podcast here if you're not friends with him: http://feed.podcastmachine.com/podcasts/8443/mp3.rss) He's going to share his thoughts with us a little later on how global warming leads to melting ice caps, which means pretty soon we'll be living on the beach here in Utah. So without further ado...
Global Warming and Beach Front Property
Before I hand the floor to Jordan I'd like to give some background that led to this topic. I have this friend who's yet to hop on the pro-global warming bandwagon. I've been working on her for a while but she won't budge and it's all because of one stupid thing: Polar bears. That's right, she's worried about the polar bears. "But what about the polar bears Brandon? They can't survive the global warming with all the ice caps melting." To that I make this point: I went to Sea Word a couple summers ago with my family and saw all sorts of creatures. I remember seeing polar bears and guess what? They were LOVING it there. That's right, polar bears living in sunny southern California, out in the heat, surrounded by palm trees and they were in absolute heaven. The polar bears aren't dying because the they can't swim from one melting ice cap to another, they're swimming out into the ocean to commit suicide. "But Brandon, why would a polar bear want to kill them self?" Simple. They spend their entire life living on ice WITHOUT a pair of shoes. You'd want to die too if you had to live barefoot on an iceberg. I'm sure it doesn't help knowing that some of their brothers and sisters are living the high life in So Cal sipping on margaritas. So a few polar bears are dying? Lots of animals die everyday. It's part of life. Let's be honest here, the zoo is the only place you're going to see a polar bear during your lifetime unless you're lost in Alaska. And if you do run into one in Alaska you're going to wish you had heeded my global warming advice because that bear's about to kill you.
Next point: The ice caps are melting. OK, we've already debunked the idea that the melting ice caps are killing the polar bears. So what's the real problem here? (long pause to ponder) You can't think of one either can you? That's OK. Don't strain yourself hunting for something that doesn't exist. Nothing but good can come from melting ice caps. This is where we're going to let Jordan take it away...
Are you thirsty? Me too! Are you sick of everyone screaming about the drought?! Shut that shower off! Don't water that lawn! Don't feed that baby seal any water!!! Let it die! We are in a drought, or didn't you know?!?! Well I am hella sick of hearing it too. This year we have had so much water that we are worried about flooding. But the first thing the news will tell you is not to get comfortable with all the water, we ARE STILL in the DROUGHT!. Well, did you know that 49% of earth's water is locked up in the polar ice caps? That's almost half of the water in the oceans. It's true! Its on the internet! Well, what are you waiting for? Get that water out of the ice caps! What are you gonna do? Go up there with a chisel and a cup and start hacking away? No, we need to heed Brando's word and put into practice the knowledge he has to offer.
Here's a a curve ball up side your dome. I bought a nice little house in 2008. It's in Hooper, a quaint little town that has great people and smells like cow turds. I like it a lot. We love our house. And if you don't mind me getting a little pompous, I would say that it has held its value relatively well throughout all this crap that the Chinese have brought upon us. You know what I would trade in that familiar cow poop smell and ingrained cuteness for? Hooper being a beach front property. Just imagine it!!! All the cow poop under water. Beach babes walking down the beach in something that could certainly not be classified as actual clothing. Partying........... rockin' summers, body shots.................crusin the beach. Just say it with me. Beach front property. Wow! Sounds good no? Do you know what beach front property really means in Utah? It means you have cabin in Bear Lake if your lucky, at Willard Bay if your not. Crappy sand full of sharp rocks and .......and...................errrrrrrr....Seagulls. I hate them!!!!! I hate them!!!!!! Baaaacauwwwgggghhhh Screeeee Screeeee BAAAAACAUWWWWWGGGGHHH.
Hell, the Polar Bears would come to us and be partying with us if we had beach front property!!!
I think my current home, built in 2008, would be worth a cool 2.5 Million. Now that is why we should be reading Brando's blog. He is gonna make us rich and happy. Nice job Brando.
(Everybody tune in next week April 21st for the premiere of FNTTA. Friendly Non-Threatening Travel Advice. I'll be in Moab this Thursday doing research for next weeks premiere. Thanks for the support and a huge thanks to Brando. The number one supporter of what we are trying to do at Friendly Non-Threatening Advice.) Thanks Brando!
No comments:
Post a Comment