Welcome back my little global warmers! Say, you're not wearing that thick winter coat! Spring is right around the corner. Can you feel it?! Me too. Today's post just so happens to fall on a VERY special day. For today, Friday April 22 2011 is none other than EARTH DAY!! A very special thanks to long time reader Maren for bringing this to my attention and suggesting an Earth Day topic. This has probably been my favorite column to write thus far. Let's get to it, shall we?
Global Warming and Earth Day!
Shhh!! Turn out the lights! Everyone be quiet! Here comes Mother Earth... Does everyone have their party hats on? Good. Here we go..3...2...1... HAPPY EARTH DAAAYYY!! Earth Day: The lamest unpaid holiday out there. For 364 days a year people trash the environment, then Earth Day comes around and everyone's holding hands singing Kumbaya in the streets. They'll plant a couple trees, recycle old newspapers, pat a puppy on the head and go to bed that night feeling good about themselves. Then it's back to clubbing baby seals the next day. I'm glad that's not us here on the pro-global warming side. We do the same (Earth trashing) thing all day-everyday. Earth Day or not.
We're going to celebrate Earth Day in style this year. And by 'celebrate' I mean poke the Earth Day posers with our sharp global warming stick. I found a website dedicated to the annual holiday, in which people share their ideas for celebrating Earth Day. Apart from the overabundance of spelling errors, these suggestions were so outrageous they had me rolling on the ground. I'm surprised that these green hippies dared use a computer with which to type their advice. I mean, computers aren't organic. Are they?
Some of these Earthy people who urge others to go green are dedicated to the cause year round, others only on Earth Day but ALL of their ideas are idiotic. Lets take a look at a few comments together along with my breakdown:
"Earth Day and Veganism go together like organic raw, almond butter and jelly!" Gross. So you're saying they don't go together AT ALL.
"Happy Earth Day! Have you been thinking of taking the big plunge to go green? Many stars have used their voices to get the message out on eco-friendly ways of living that will improve the environment." Many of these said stars are also using crack cocaine on an hourly basis. I suppose we should take that plunge too? Posers. Green posers.
"Want to live under a canopy of large trees! damn rights I'm a tree hugger! and hey you countries out there, stop (explicit)-ing with the ocean water it belongs to everyone..and that's you BP and others!" Sorry to break it to you Wendy the foul mouth floozy but nobody wants to live in the trees. Oh yeah, and BP isn't a country.
"We do not lives in one states, we lives in one world. border of the country doesn't limit one person to preserved the beauty of the world. Happy earth's day people!" Stops withs the unnecessarys S's alreadys!!! If you're going to instruct mankind on taking care of the Earth at least consider running your inspired remarks through spell check.
"Let's turn the lights off for an hour on earth day." What a great idea! I can't think of a better place to start with than the hospitals. Let's unplug all the machinery while we're at it. If we're gonna be Earthy today we might as well be 100% Earthy.
"EARTH DAY EVERY DAY. When I die the earth shall inherit my body. My body will decay to soil. From my body, plants shall grow and enrich the soil, paving the way for a tree. From that tree will come air. This will take hundreds of years, I will be your ancestor and shall be with you from the day of your first breath until your last breath. Eventually, I shall rise to be with the clouds and shower the earth with life giving water. This cycle will continue. What we do to the earth, air and water, we do to ourselves and our future. How do you want your cycle to go?" Touching. Although a tree can't literally be my ancestor. Also, it gets a little confusing when the tree somehow turns into a cloud and then from a cloud to water but most hippies probably wouldn't pick up on this. Overall grade ---> C+.
"With Earth day on Good Friday, hoping we do a perfect blend of Christian reflection, thankfulness and gesture for the Earth! Have a good one!" PS- If you've got time, do some thankful gesture for your fellow man too. But only if you have the time. If you don't have the time just focus on Earth.
"Do not throw or change your household articles for the sake of changing...do it when u need it." OK, I was curious so I went to this persons Facebook profile. They only have 58 friends. And writing vague, confusing ideas like this isn't going to push them into the triple digit friend column anytime soon.
"If all 6.5 Billion of our neighbors would pick up just 2 pieces of trash on Friday...we would clealy make a difference on this big blue marble we call home." A- 'Clealy' isn't even a real word. B- We don't live on a big blue marble. Maybe this guy does. And maybe the big blue marble he calls home is named Clealy.
"Forget hugging a tree, love a tree." <---- #1 way to get arrested on Earth Day.
"I'm planning a group walk and guided meditation for approximately 30 college students & young adults in my area for Earth Day! :) Very excited! Love & Light to All!" Not really sure how meditation helps out on Earth Day but at least there will be 30-less idiots on the road during my morning commute.
"Let's keep our Earth to ourselves and our next generation... keep it green." Keep our Earth to ourselves? Brilliant. Simply brilliant. All previous/ following generations can go drown themselves with the polar bears. This Earth belongs to our next generation. We're keeping it to ourselves.
"Use postal envelopes back side as rough pads, take bath in bucket with a mug. Recycle should be in lifestle." Rough pads? Not quite sure what that is. But it can't be any more stupid than bathing in a bucket with a mug. The Cold War is over, isn't it? Yeah it's over. Nobody needs to bath in a bucket with a mug anymore, buddy.
"Go composting toilets and vegan/vegetarianism for the earth!" Save your crap in a big smelly tank located in your garage. It's what earth would want. (I had to Google composting toilets and they're RIDICULOUS. Spoiler: There's a good chance next weeks topic will be dedicated to composting toilets.)
"I'd like to suggest we all dress in green to show our support and in a local context to show solidarity against fracking in the Karoo, SA." Give me a 'fraking' break. How is color coordinating our wardrobes going to help the Earth again?? "Ronnie wore blue guys. Yeah, Ronnie wore blue. Way to RUIN Earth Day, Ronnie."
"A little creativity and some discarded computer components that never made it to the landfill can create some high end art, recycle to rebirth." OK, $10 says this guys house has been on the TV show Hoarders at least twice and all his neighbors hate him. Newsflash: They might be vintage cars in need of a little elbow grease and TLC to you buddy, but to the rest of the neighborhood they're rusted clunkers bringing down our property value. Get rid of em.
On every Earth Day, I wonder, "What's the purpose of a lawn?" For starters; grass is a GREAT way to keep the underlying dirt from blowing around in a wind storm. It's more appealing to the eye and feels great on bare feet. A lawn is a GREAT place to have people over and socialize. You'll never hear someone say; "Hey, do you guys wanna come have a BBQ on my dirt?" No Ronnie, we don't. Especially after you ruined Earth Day by wearing blue. Go grow a lawn and stop bringing down my property value.
"Earth is our mother, she feeded and nurshed us since millions of decades..We shall protect it by protecting ourselves." Yes we shall protecting it/her/mother earth that feeded and nurshed us since millions of decades. Is there a Babblefish translation for someone who literally sounds like a babbling fish?
How can we celebrate earth day and observe Good Friday on the same day? ---> Have a block BBQ!
After I finished reading these Earth Day advice tips brought to us by a class full of grammatically challenged 2nd graders I left some wisdom of my own:
"The best way to reduce your carbon footprint? ----> Kill yourself. And what better day to do so than Earth Day?"
I could seriously go on ALL DAY tearing these folks apart, but we've got an environment to destroy so we'd best wrap this up. In all reality, I'm glad these guys are dedicated to saving the Earth at least one day a year. I mean, their comments are the reason we have this weeks post. I'm fine with them trying to save the Earth for 24 hours. Because, hey, look at the scoreboard. Like it or not, this battle is being won by us on the pro-global warming side.
In closing, if any of you out there are looking for a way to get involved with Earth Day I'd like to invite you to my coal fired tire burning, used motor oil pouring, baby seal clubbing, polar bear roasting, Amazon deforesting, mountain top removing party. And after the party you're welcome to spend the night at my place. Saturday morning we can wake up early and go fishing for humpback whales with sea turtle bait.
Want to read some ridiculous comments for yourself? Here's the golden website:
http://www.earthday.org/earth-day-2011
Enjoy! Feel free to copy, paste and comment on your favorite Earth Day fail from this site! I'd love to hear your thoughts
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