Last week I began the Earth Day bashing by stating that Almond butter was disgusting even though I hadn't tried it. A disgruntled reader called me out on this and made me a honey/almond butter/banana sandwich. After I was certain it hadn't been poisoned or tampered with I gave it a try. I come before you today to let you know that it wasn't that bad. I would probably eat one again. My apologies to any sensitive almond butter gang members out there who were offended by my sharp words.
Has everyone recovered from their Earth Day hangover last weekend? What a party, right? I drank so much water, turned out so many lights and recycled so much garbage that I woke up Saturday morning feeling like I'd been hit by a train. Although, I don't think Mother Earth was too happy with the gifts we gave her. She let us know this week with daily rain and snow storms. I think we should just get her a gift card next year. Ya know, play it safe. As I mentioned last week, today we're going to talk about composting toilets. "What on Earth is a composting toilet Brandon?!" Oh, you don't know?? That's OK. I didn't know either until I Googled the term. Are you ready to gain some knowledge? Because it's time for...
Global Warming and Poop Where you Eat.
In last weeks Earth Day breakdown somebody suggested we celebrate Earth Day by (and I quote) "Go composting toilets and vegan/vegetarianism for the earth!" If they really wanted to make sense they would have said; "Buy a composting toilet, and go vegan/vegetarian for the Earth." But whatever. We're not here to point out their grammatical errors (that was last weeks post).
I had to read the phrase 'composting toilet' two or three times. These words seemed so strange and foreign. They didn't ring any bells. No image came to mind. Just a big question mark. So I hopped on the Internet and typed the elusive words C-O-M-P-O-S-T-I-N-G... T-O-I-L-E-T. Here's what I found:
A composting toilet is basically a processing system that treats your waste with no water, by composting or managed decomposition.
In other words: You poop in something the size of a washing machine:
Set it to spin cycle and a few months later... Voila!
You've got your own PERSONALIZED compost!
Sounds great, right? Who am I kidding?! This is HORRIBLE! There's NOTHING good/humane about this! NOTHING! Here's the problem I have with the in-house stank-tank:
For starters: This bad boy costs upwards of $1,719! Compare that to $236 for a normal toilet. Secondly, can you imagine the smell?! Sure, they say it masks odors. What a load of crap! (pun count: 1) Example: Most cat-litter companies say their product eliminates odors, well guess what? it doesn't. It merely takes the cat waste smell and replaces it with a moldy smell. It masks the smell with an equally rotten smell.
Have you ever eaten at Taco Bell and found yourself in the loo the SECOND you get home? Of course you have. There's no better way of forgetting that dollar-menu-meal-of-regret than by flushing it down to the fiery depths of Hell below. But hold on a second, with this toilet there's no flushing! You're gonna get foul reminder EVERY time you enter the bathroom. "I'll just use the toilet with the lights off." Good idea. You might want to invest in some nose plugs too. And if you're kind, some for all your neighbors.
So you're saving water by installing a composting toilet, thus reducing your carbon footprint, eh? Well, try this on for size: These toilets can only compost at 104-140 °F (40-60 °C). So they've got a heater built into them. That's right, the stank-tank you're sitting on is also a crap Crock-Pot. It's using massive amounts of electricity to heat your meatloaf (pun count: 2). What if the system overheats?! Don't worry, they've got a built in fan to cool the built in heater. Oh yeah, the fan also uses a ton of electricity. Your carbon footprint just turned into an expensive carbon jumping jack my friend.
I'm convinced that composting toilets are nothing more than an elaborate prank started years ago. People fell for the gag and started buying them up like hot cakes (or cow pies (pun count: 3)). So they keep selling them to this day. The inventor is at home swimming in his pool of money as we speak. Oh, and guess what? He uses a normal-water-wasting-flush-toilet.
There's no need to live like this. None whatsoever. Life stinks bad enough as it is folks (pun count: 4). Don't make it harder/smellier/more expensive than it has to be. If you're planning on buying a stank-tank do me a favor: Before you flush thousands of dollars away (pun count: 5), please try this; Relieve yourself in a pan for a few days, break out your old chemistry set and put the pot on a hot plate (medium-high). If you can make it a week living with smells like that marinating in your bathroom you're a stronger human than I (and by 'stronger human' I mean you're not human at all). If it's a sight and smell you think you're ready to live with go ahead and buy the stank-tank. Just don't expect me to come visit. It's embarrassing enough using someone else's toilet, I don't need you going in the bathroom after I leave analyzing what I ordered at Taco Bell.
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