Who's ready to laugh at the green hippies? I know I sure am. Who likes inside jokes when your on the outside? That's great! Because it's time for...
Global Warming and Golf
Spring! It's finally upon us. Sure, Mother Nature still finds it funny to throw the occasional storm at us, but we can handle that. We're the ones littering on her face. We've got the last laugh. There's nothing I love more in the spring and summertime than going outside and playing a round of golf. Believe it or not the green hippies are trying to take that away from us too. I'm sorry, but I'm not going to stand for that. They can moan all they want about recycling, using less water, going green and all that garbage BUT when they start telling me how to golf I have to draw a line.
A little background: I'm an avid golfer. No, I didn't say I'm good. I said avid. My grandpa introduced me to the sport when I was in my early teens and I fell in love with it. There's nothing more relaxing and refreshing (yet frustrating at the same time) than being out in the middle of the fairway, the warm sun shining down on you, the smell of freshly cut crass all around you, a slight breeze at your back and the sound of your golf ball slicing into the water hazard (followed by quiet curses under your breath). I love it! Just be sure your tee shot makes it past the womens tees or your next shot's going to be a little awkward (I'm talking to you Ben Mower). In high school a good friend and I bought season passes to a local golf course. We'd play 18 holes every Monday when we were supposed to be in school. It was awesome. The travel time to and fro + 18 holes + a lunch break in between was EXACTLY the same length as a full day at school. I'm not even sure if my parents knew about this (they probably do now that they're reading this).
Now these green hippies are trying to boss us around on the course. Here's what they're saying:
Unless you're disabled, you should walk your golf rounds this season, and cut back on global-warming contributions from golf cart usage"...I'm sorry, but I LOVE using a golf cart. Remember, I'm the guy that will watch whatever boring show's on TV when the remote falls on the floor, just out of arms reach. Laziness is a disability, right? You think I'm going to walk 18 holes of golf without a caddy? Do you know how heavy those bags get? I get tired just holding a gallon of milk at the Walmart express check out. Probably because the obese, white trash woman in front of me is arguing for 20 minutes about not being able to use beef jerky coupons with her food stamps (Collin Maki knows what I'm talking about). I'd rather eat my 9 iron than walk a golf course when I didn't have to. Also, since when has small 2-stroke engines been a great concern to global warming activists? I mean, we're not cruising the course on one of these bad boys:
Urge your golf course to replace its carts with electric-powered ones, which greatly reduce both air pollution and noise pollution.".... If electric carts are cheaper they might listen to me. Otherwise they don't want to hear my opinion about anything unless I'm going to buy a 12 pack of overpriced Titleist golf balls in the pro shop afterwords. And noise pollution? I wasn't aware that noise pollution is contributing to global warming. That shatters my universe. In that case we'd better pull the plug on all country music radio stations. That's pure inbred-victim-music-noise-pollution at its best.
"Buy recyclable products (biodegradable golf tees, golf balls made of rawhide instead of plastic).".... Rawhide golf balls? I might as well be teeing off with a rawhide basketball. It would probably perform the same. I'm guessing rawhide golf balls are like ALL other hippie items; overpriced and pointless. I'll stick to my plastic earth destroying golf balls for now.
You can tell they started running out of golf suggestions because the next part looks like it was copied and pasted strait from the golf course rule book: "Replace all divots."...."Carry your trash with you until a waste container is available."....Adhere to local rules that may restrict access to environmentally sensitive areas on a golf course."...."Support golf course management decisions that protect or enhance the environment." That's not going green you idiots. That's just proper golf course etiquette.
I close with this message to all you greenies out there: I'm going to go golfing often this summer. I'm going to drive a cart. I'm going to drink Mountain Dew and throw the cans away. You can dig them out and recycle them if you want. I'm going to use plastic golf balls and A BUNCH of them at that. I'm going to buy the cheapest tee's I can. I don't care if they're not biodegradable. I'm going to enjoy my overpriced club house burger between rounds. I don't care how miserable the cow was up to the point of being killed and placed on my bun. It's nowhere near as miserable as that front 9 holes. Here's to a better back 9. Yes, I'm going to do all of these things and I'm going to LOVE every freaking second of it. Leave us golfers alone. If you want someone to harp on why don't you go after everyone boating this summer. That's gotta worse than a round of golf (In fact, maybe we'll discuss that once boating season arrives).
I leave you with this warning: If I see you on the course protesting my noise polluting golf cart I wont hesitate to tee off in your direction. And no, I won't be warning you with the gentlemanly "FORE!". You don't deserve it, for you sir are not a gentlemen.
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